Stocking Day

Since I'm not a christian/catholic, practice the old ways and follow the red road, Christmas is not a big deal to me. It always felt like the "guilt" time of the year, and as I get older I find myself pulling further away from said time of year, but this year seeing how I'm the happiest I have ever been in my adult life, I gave in.

We got a tree, I made a ton of gifts, and we are even going to visit friends tomorrow, I know, what has come over me! Maybe it's the fact that Cory and I made this time of year what we wanted, I got to celebrate the seasons change, and Cory got his beloved stocking on Christmas eve. It was really fun and a nice change of pace.....I hope our child can get down with our anti-consumerist-hippie ways. Don't get me wrong, our kid will get a stocking on Christmas, but they will also get something special every year on the solstice/Yule, something not many kids get. Not to mention the education about respecting mother earth and grandfather sky, the four legged and winged ones, our ancestors, and the creator. Learning about how each season gives us what we need, and how we need to be respectful and how to learn patience, grace and compassion. My child will not be playing with a stick and pile of dirt, unless they are really into that, but I see no need to buy my child every singe new toy and gadget on the market, it's just gross consumerism and I have never been about material shit. I hope my child will understand that, who knows with how things are these days, so much pressure to be "cool" and fit in. I get the want for toys to encourage creativity, imagination, and other various skills, I guess I just get grossed out when I see kids getting toys just for the sake of the popularity and not the child's want for it.

Anyhow, Cory and I have made our own traditions and I truly feel lucky and blessed to have him in my life. He really is my best friend.

I have been a photographer for years, studied in school, did it for a living for a while, and really just love feeling the weight of a camera in my hand. I have many camera's ranging from old 35 mm, to Polaroid land cameras, to Holga's and two digital, one small and one SLR. I think I have given this addiction to Cory and decided that since last year I bought him his first digital, I would continue the tradition and get him a bunch of camera toys since we were only doing stockings. I got him a sweet toy panoramic camera, some color filters, and a macro lens for his iPhone. And a case for his iPhone, a new robe, boxers and some candy. He however, OUT DID himself! Below is my loot!

Diana F+ Toy Camera


Gift Certificate to Sock Dreams, and yes I spent it RIGHT away online!


A HUGE bottle of my favorite bath oil made by one of my oldest and sweetest friends from my teen years, Beth, appropriately called "Hedonism". I have about 6 of her perfume oils and was running low on the bottle of bath oil Beth had sent last fall. I love this scent more than anything!


Fisheye Lens for the sweet ass Diana! He also got me an adapter for my Cannon SLR, so I can use this lens and get toy camera effects! It kind of works, but I want to try it with natural light instead of our bedroom.


And some other odds and ends, my beautiful ring, and a new sofa that can't get here soon enough! We have been sitting on our bed for the last week or so because we don't really have a couch downstairs right now. Good thing our bed is the most magical bed on earth!

Ok I have rambled enough for one post, time to cuddle up with the dude and watch some CSI Vegas, Season three.

Nighty Night!

PS:
We test again on January 3rd, Cory's b-day.....fingers crossed.

Luna Bella

The first TOTAL lunar eclipse in over 300 years, is happening tonight....know what else? I'm ovulating today.

Perhaps it is a sign.

xoxo

Raise Your Hands

Today was a rough one. It started out great, woke up snuggly to my boo, got up, ate pancakes, had a cup of coffee, pee'd on a stick, got dressed, went to the library to pick up "From The Hips", then the day went down hill from that point.

We went to Best Buy to get one of Cory's gifts from me, a case for his iPhone. We were cool, walking around among the madness, I even picked up for myself the new Sims 3 expansion pack. We checked out, walked to the car and then the wave of doom washed over me. I sat in the car almost on the verge of tears, begging Cory to just get me home. I pulled my knit cap over my face and slumped down in my seat so I could not see anything and held his hand so hard, I thought I might break it. We got home after what felt like hours but was more like 15 minutes. I ran in the house and sat on the couch and took deep breaths......over and over, trying to keep myself from dipping into a panic attack. I could not shake this feeling of impending doom, so I drew a bath and layed in the tub soaking and breathing.

I hoped that had worked, but sure as shit, I got out, got dressed and crawled into bed, yes it was only 6pm, and could not catch my breath still. Cory was being so sweet and calm and just letting me try to work through it all. I do have a past history of severe anxiety/panic, but have not had any major issues for years. So I drank some water and Cory brought me some mint tea and then he sat next to me, untangling the HUGE mess of knots in one of my mom's old necklaces that I found yesterday, (yes he really IS that amazing and sweet), and then he did it.....he put Purple Rain on the iTunes......I lost it, crying and singing along! What is up with me??

I had three nights of bad/weird dreams and then this. Maybe some suppressed holiday bull trying to take me down? Meh, I refuse to give in...I cried a tiny bit then began reading this website called " "Your Plus Size Pregnancy". This one statement again brought on the water works, but they were happy ones:
"Love your body. You may feel that your body is standing in the way of your goal. Don’t fall into a negative body image. You have a beautiful, curvy body. It is perfect for nurturing a baby. Appreciate the beauty of who you are." So with that, Cory had finished untangling my mom's necklace and I put it on.

Perhaps I just am feeling the stress of my parents not being here anymore and am feeling stuff I may have pushed deep down and had hoped would just go away. This process has definitely made me miss my parents and sister more than ever before, and honestly I hate that I still cry about the loss. I think the fact that I have Cory and we are making a family, something I never thought would happen for me, I know my parents would have loved to share with me......especially my mom....and perhaps that is the rub. I always wanted to make them proud, and always felt like I was just one let down after another.

I just need to press on, and continue moving forward, because forward is always better than backwards.....and who the hell needs to be sad about positive changes anyhow?

Wooot YULE!

Ok no more emo-me. My period came and went, we got a tree for Yule, hung stockings , went to an amazing show, made two kick ass dinners, bought a new comforter and organic cotton sheets, I am nearly finished making gifts, AND it's only Saturday!



We purchased an ovulation kit as well, and we, well I, start peeing on a stick Tuesday to "nail" my ovulation down to a 24-36 hour window. We are on month three of trying, and I am trying to just breathe through the month and go on with life without my heart aching. So here we go....




I love to cook food for my dude, my friends, and anyone who likes to eat. So Friday night I made a big pot of collard greens, steak, mashed yukon golds, and a loaf of blueberry bread. I was cooking for about two hours, but it was so worth it....



When I miss my mom, I try to cook things that she taught me and made for me as a kid. This time of year is especially rough for me when it comes to missing my mom, dad, and sister. I used to just block it out by being drunk from November to February, but let's face it, that isn't very sexy after a decade. I try to make my own family with friends and co-workers, but now that I am finally with a person that I know I will be with until my demise, making traditions with him eases the anxiety and pain I normally fight with. It's good this year, and with every year that pass's, I let go a little more. I will never stop missing my family, but I know that if they were alive, they would be truly happy for me, and would adore Cory.




This is Cory and I's second holiday season together, and we have never been closer....and never felt at ease with another human being. Even after all this time, we still grin from ear to ear when we think about where we were 2 years ago.....I was living with Sandra and had just split from R, and Cory was living in the guest room of his ex's house waiting to move into Randy's....I was heart broken and lost, he was confused with who he was and both struggling with never wanting to date anyone ever again. We took care of each other and supported each other as best friends do.......but I never thought that two years later he would be the love of my freaking life. Nor did I think I would ever feel this at ease with another human being......I know I gush about him a lot, but I am just so freaking grateful and blessed.

Love and Stuff

Sad pug....or wicked cute pug with bad bad hips?! My boyfriend used to have a pug mix with his ex, and after they split, they shared the little guy. But that was too stressful on the dog so the ex got him. I hope that one day, Cory and I will get another little dog because I know how much he loves the furry ones! I loved this photo so much, and for so many reasons, but mostly because it depicted how I felt the last few days. As usual though, my period ends and I feel rejuvenated and excited for the next month's pursuit of family making, holiday decorating, and gift giving. Maybe I am nuts.

On the new apartment tip, Cory and I settled on a sofa!!! A chocolate brown deep soft sofa that we can both lay on, and in a few months, we will purchase the foot stool that turns this bad mamma jamma into a chaise. We also decided on wall color, and shelves. I really am excited to be redoing our house. I know we both lean much more towards our childhood '70s style, and feel like we are finally moving away from the modern-not-so-comfy bullshit to future family friendly earth tones and warmth. We live in the Pacific NW, we need WARMTH. Not hard edges and cold steel. Don't get me wrong, I loves me some METAL and high end design, but for my everyday life, I like snugly, '70s, earth tones, and welcoming. I would hate friends to visit and not feel like they can be cozy.


We moved in together over a year ago, as friends. So our home now is where our love grew, now it is time to have a place that is ours, as a family, and I can not tell you how effing cute Cory is about the process. He was the one who started this whole, "let's redecorate" shenanigans. But far be it from me to keep him from a dream! We are moving to the townhouse next door to us, which is bigger, HUGE yard, (well huge by apartment/condo living standards), totally new carpet (gray!), new cabinets, counter tops, and wood floors! YES! Our landlord LOVES us, and we love her! She is like a second mom to me. She even offered, well demanded really, to buy us a crib for the nursery! WOW! She wants us to be happy, and is also installing a washer and dryer next to our unit. It will be for all three units, but hey, that means no more laundry mat!

I think my latest crafting endeavors have been not only, good for my wallet, but also good for my soul. I really am a crafter at heart, always have been, it runs in my family. I tend to start LARGE projects, and then get sidelined by life and put them away. My goal for the new year is to continue the embroidery obsession that has all but consumed me, finish crocheting my weird ass shawl, and TAKE ON, weaving. I also realized last night, that I have been neglecting my bead loom. I think that will be something else fun to do while at work. It has been hard to work on that with my cat around. So tempting for the little guy.





So tonight, Cory and I are going on a fancy date to the Doug Fir Lounge to see Peter Hook, former bassist for Joy Division. One of my all time favorite bands. He is performing the entire "Unknown Pleasures" album, and I am exploding with excitement. Before hand though, I am making us a fancy pants steak dinner. I decided to put down the red meat for baby making, and well honestly after last weeks house dinner of beef necks, (that I had to clean up after because it was my turn, ew), I really can't handle looking at the stuff anymore. I was vegetarian for 20+ years.....I just feel like, if I can't kill it, I shouldn't eat it. But then there is that whole pig meat thing.....damn. So torn.....

Have a good weekend, and be good to each other.

Nevermind

Aunt Flo just showed......back to the drawing board.

Spotting and late.

My period was "supposed" to show on the 4th but did not. Today is the 6th and I have been spotting very lightly for 2 days.

So very confused.

So the waiting game is on still. If nothing like a normal period happens this week, I'm going to test again.

Like I said, Aunt Flo, she's a real b......

Bitch ass, Aunt Flo

I was hoping this month we would be pregnant, then today I started spotting, took a pregnancy test, negative. I feel so sad. I do not know why I am letting myself get so wrapped up in this, it's only the second month trying. *sigh* I guess since my cycle was 26 days last month, and now this month I am on day 29, I was hoping I would miss it all together.....but I suspect tomorrow Aunt Flo will show her stupid face......maybe there is something to that whole "knowing" you are pregnant jazz.


I sat here crying, while Cory is in the kitchen making homemade ravioli for us...I feel selfish, and shitty, I admit it. Is this normal? To feel so alone and confused and un-trusting of my body? Why, for the last two months did I think I was pregnant, and feeling barfy, just to be deflated and wrong? I have never not been in tune with my body before....I feel like my head is now screwing up everything. Maybe I just need a hot bath and a hug.....maybe the fact we are listening to Ennio Morricone right now is not helping....

I need to keep reminding myself what my doc said...most couples don't conceive until the 6th month mark, and only 63% within the first year of trying. I just start having all those really self deprecating thoughts like, "I waited too long", "I took too many drugs when I was younger", "I'm too fat", or that whole stupid "Maybe I should not have had an abortion when I was 18".....ugh why do I do this to myself? Do I stop charting and just go with nature? Do I keep charting and stop stressing? I wish I could call my mom.

The good thing, my boo got me this amazing ring, it's not my engagement ring, although I had once told him that if he ever were to propose, this is the ring I would want. It is the most heavy metal and creeptastic bird talon holding a giant ass crystal in silver and black gold!!!!! He said last night after seeing the confusion on my face when he nervously and accidentally crammed it on the wrong finger, that HE wants to pick my engagement ring. He also said he totally blew being spontaneous and romantic, but I say getting me this ring as a sort of promise, was very sweet and romantic. His plan was to lovingly place this on my hand last night in bed, but just couldn't wait. Big nerd. I love the shit out of him.

Just a little patience.....

Patience is not something I have had much of since Cory and I started working towards a third member of our family. For the second time, I have tested early, and gotten that annoying result, NP. When will I learn to wait? I feel like part of me thinks I might stop having period symptoms if I take a pregnancy test 6 days before I am supposed to start my cycle again.

This has been a very challenging 2 months....for my patience, my ability to understand my body, to trust that we will conceive when we are supposed too, and that I am not barren. I know it is silly to feel defeated when I don't even know yet, I am supposed to start my period around the 4th of December, so why I am being so weird?

I have felt crampy off and on all month. I sort of feel in my gut that I'm not pregnant yet.....although I felt in my gut that I was a couple weeks back. As soon as I start to cramp I think, damn-it. I never thought in a million years, that getting pregnant would be so hard, and emotionally draining.

I know that we will probably have to keep trying for at least 6 months. I suppose I just hoped that Cory and I would get pregnant on the first try. I am not feeling defeated at all, just annoyed. I want to share this with everyone, but we have to get there first, then wait until I get out of my first trimester to tell everyone. Oye....so much work, but I am ok with it. I can't wait to make our family a full circle.

Cory and I are not married, but I have a feeling that we will be someday. I know he worries about me and my emotions. He is afraid that my not getting pregnant as fast as we wanted, might break my spirit. He knows how much being a family means to me.....but I assure him I will not let this push me into depression. I have faith that we will get pregnant, with a healthy baby soon. THAT, I do feel in my gut. I just need to be patient.

So for now I will keep on humming Gun's & Roses "Patience".....

Cranky Pants are On

I'm feeling cranky today, and I am pretty sure it's because I am feeling frustrated with this whole pregnancy business. Why? Well because I fear I won't get pregnant, that I am too old, my eggs are bad, or it's just not meant to be. We have only been trying for two months, but I feel cramps and moody, tell tale signs of pms and I am on cycle day 17. So I am already beating myself up and I haven't even bled yet.

Is this normal? I don't know, I don't feel like I have anyone I can really lean on right now that has gone through trying to get pregnant. I look at blogs and other things written by strangers, but they are just that, strangers. I just feel alone right now, and wish I could talk to my mom or sister.

I feel super irritable today. I guess life can't be awesome every day right?

Just Breathe

I have this client, who is in a very, very bad DV situation, and being forced into an abortion. I am pro-choice, and being pro-choice means I believe it is a woman's right to choose, period. To chose too have an abortion or too not have one. I have to remain neutral, be her advocate and support her, but show no personal emotion. It is really hard right now, especially with my trying to get pregnant.

I see in her eyes the pain that this man is putting her through, how confused and torn she is, and when she is away from him, she see's clearly, then the phone rings.....and she goes back to praising him. She said she was not having an abortion, she wanted to keep her baby, then today I get a call from a co-worker that she made an appointment. So I have to breathe and support her. I would not have an issue with it if I knew it was HER decision, not some punk kid who hits her and forced her to get pregnant, but now wants to run away to California and leave her and not face his responsibility, so he forces her to make a call she did not want to make. It's just really hard at work this week.

On the "Morton-Dow" baby front, we are on day 12 of this months cycle, and have been "trying" every day, for the last 9 days. Wow, I never thought I would be THIS candid about my sex life.....anyhow, we have 6-7 more days until I'm no longer "fertile" for the month, then time for testing. We really are trying to relax and not be too hopeful, it will happen when it's supposed to, right? It was deflating when I started my period last time, but after a day or so, we got back the excitement and realize that this could take a while. But we have found some pretty cute things we want to get!

Honestly, I can't believe who I have turned into in the last couple months....I admit it and give in, I have baby fever and embrace it all!
Looking at this kind of fun stuff, erases the crappy parts of my day, for sure, and also makes me remember to be the best advocate for my clients I can. They don't have the privilege I have, even when I feel desperately broke, I know that I need to appreciate everything and everyone I do have.


Sorry dudes for dorking out, but I am a heavily tattooed mama after all, that is the PERFECT diaper bag for me, *hint*hint*

Hot Chocolate & Love

This weekend my partner and I had a small gathering of friends over for dinner and a tiny version of my annual Dia De Los Muertos party. I had intended on having a real celebration, with many friends, but I just didn't have the energy to share this with a large group. Just not there yet, but I will be. In any case, I made a massive pan of homemade cheese enchiladas with home made tortillas, re-fried beans from scratch, elote, guacamole,(and my most favorite), Mexican hot chocolate! I think I might just od on the stuff.

It was such a good night with just 4 close friends, good stories, and sharing the news that Cory and I are starting a family. Despite starting my cycle the same night, I know that it won't be long before Cory and I are laying in bed with a tiny little one between us.

I feel so much closer to my partner, and he to me. It is amazing how happy I am considering that just 2 1/2 years ago, I felt like I was going to end up divorced and alone forever....that I would never find someone that understood me completely and loved me in spite of my flaws. Someone that lifted me up and didn't make fun of my sensitivity. I was miserable and in a marriage that was toxic for both of us. Then I decided to leave, I realized that we were never going to be able to see eye to eye or agree on anything. We both were traveling in opposite directions, and no amount of trying, therapy or fighting was going to fix it. My ex and I both new it was best to part ways. At the time, I had no clue that my best friend was going to turn out to be the great love of my life.....but here we are, a little over a year later and making a family, something I have always wanted and never thought would happen. I feel so grateful and blessed. Annnnnnd, I am totally ok with having to try again at the "baby making"......it's not like it's work or anything.



I stayed in tonight and made an AMAZING potato, caramelized onion and roasted garlic/asparagus pizza, from scratch, for my boo, and the last of that Mexican hot chocolate. I really enjoy my time with Cory and my friends, making good food for them, and talking about simple things. It's sounds boring, but I'll take boring with a smile.

Eah

Aunt flo is in town.....oh well, it's ok, trying is the bet part, right? Tonight we had a little dinner party, for which I over cooked because I thought more than 4 would be here, and now at 1:52 in the morning, I am trying to wind down from drinking way too much Mexican hot chocolate and watching multiple episodes of Trailer Park Boys.

I miss living in a place where I have a close knit group of friends, where dinner parties, casual of course, happen often, no one feels awkward, everyone is there for everyone, and my social dance card is full and bright.

I miss LA, and my people there.....I also wish that friends who live far away in the Oly area, lived closer so we could garden together, cook food, and make crafty crap together.....I think I slightly feel deflated tonight, deflated, fat and unpopular. Yay.

I'll be fine tomorrow. I always am.

TTC?

So for the last month, Cory and I have been trying to "get pregnant". I decided to start "logging" this new and strange journey and looking up other blogs, sites, etc.....wow is there A LOT OF WEIRD LINGO out there.....TTC- Trying To Conceive....reminds me of TCB (Takin' Care Of Business) & TTH (Trying Too Hard). Oye vey, so much to read and learn, and honestly part of me longs for the days of when getting pregnant was "easy". AKA the accidental OOPS. At 39, I kind of have to "try", and it's been a humbling process. I have a fertility chart, I know when I "should" be ovulating and/or fertile....and when we should be "doing it". It kind of feels slightly regimented, good thing Cory and I have a very healthy and strong sex life.

I have told a some close friends that we are trying, and informed my employer as well. But beyond that, we are taking it slow and just waiting. We are trying to keep on with our lives, but we both kind of have baby fever right now, and have started to make lists for names, looked at strollers, cribs, baby clothes, baby slings, birthing videos, and discussed how we want to raise our little bambino/a. We are just a tiny bit excited...

I started to take prenatal's about 3 weeks ago, and like a jerk, took 2 pregnancy tests early, WHY? Is this normal for a hopeful mother? I have no idea.....part of me feels like I am pregnant already, but then I keep having cramps and other "pre-period" symptoms...but everything I read says that could also be early pregnancy symptoms. I never thought I would be this anxious to MISS my period. Yesterday we met with my new OBGYN, and she was amazing. She did my surgery this year when I had to have a endomitrioma removed in April, so I feel pretty comfortable with her. She was awesome, did not say anything obnoxious like, "well you are kind of older" or "You need to LOOSE WEIGHT"...no no, none of that, just a bunch of positive encouragement, quick exam, and a big grin. She walked us through amnio testing, should I decide to do that, and Cory and I already discussed it and decided against it. It makes a "high risk" pregnancy, even higher risk for miscarriage, so we opted to just do blood tests and ultrasounds. Non-invasive is what we want. We discussed that since I am "older" (39), I will be induced at 40 weeks, which is fine by me. So we feel ready, and hopeful, and also know that this might take a year before we even get pregnant, but I'm up for the challenge!

In any case, this blog has taken a turn, and might just be my baby making blog.....does anyone even read this?

Nuff said....

Gratuitous Pussy Shots

I don't have kids. I think I spent so much time trying to not have them, that once I wanted one, it might be too late. So I have a cat. Now I'm not some crazy cat lady, just a fan of the furry little ones.

I have this friend Ben, and he and his lady found a litter of kittens last summer in a trash can in the parking lot of their apartment. My dad was dying, I just went through a shitty divorce, realized I had feelings for my best friend, I was falling apart on the inside....I needed a non-judgmental friend. So I adopted the little dude. I named him Papi Chulo because that is what I called my father, seemed fitting and right. Ben and his lady kept two of his litter mates, and my other good friend, Caitlin, adopted his brother. We kept the family, "in the family".


So over the last year, we had this weird pseudo experiment happening, where a litter of kittens grew up apart, but with people that know each other and could report on similarities, growth, habits, etc. I learned that Papi and Tay, (Caitlin's cat), both will ONLY drink from coffee cups. They both chew on their nails.....they also both are obsessed with the outdoors. I knew that Caitlin let Tay out most of the day and he did fine, so my partner and I decided to start letting Papi out into the fenced back yard. He LOVED it, and never tried to hop the fence.


Then one day, Papi started to puke.....and puke, and puke. My partner and I were up all night, trying to figure out what was up. I was a vet tech for many years, so I thought he had something stuck in his belly, so I checked under his tongue for string or something, and nothing. The next day we took him to the vet, and sure enough, he had a linear foreign body. Pretty much the worst kind of block. They told us that he would either need surgery, or be put to sleep. As I stood there petting him and sobbing, the vet said they could try one thing that might help, and was $500 less than the surgery that my partner and I knew we could never afford. They did this barium study where they feed him this paste that shows up on x-rays, and can see if the blockage is moving, and how bad the block is. It can also sometimes act therapeutically.

Papi came home with us, after having been at the vet all day, totally lethargic, and us unsure if he was going to be put down the next day. It was a very long night.

The next day we took him back to the vet so they could do the study, and the vet said he would call me throughout the day to keep me posted as to how or if the barium was working. I was a hot mess, sobbing off and on and at random. Having been a vet tech for years, I had to euthanize many, many, many animals. Every time, I would whisper into the animals ear, "I'm sorry", even if they were already near death. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Being native, I don't believe in "God", I believe in our creator and our ancestors. I also feel like euthanasia is humane and I wish humans had the option for a dignified exit instead of suffering, but that is a whole other post. Anyway, I never felt guilty, I just felt sad for the humans left behind. Especially kids. Now I found myself on the other side of death, and was torn.


Then in a stroke of brilliance, Caitlin, Ben, and Shana told us to set up a PayPal fund for Papi, and we did. In 24 hours we raised $500, and a renewed feeling of community, something I have not felt here in Portland in years. Then we got the call, the barium worked, Papi would pass the blockage and be ok. I have never felt so relived in my life.

We drove like bats out of hell to the vet to pick up our little fat ball of black fluff, and hugged and pet him so much, we had fur all over our hands. This cat is NOT a shedder either. A day after he came home, Papi was back to his normal, chatty, weird cat self. Playing fetch with his fish, chewing on his nails, and waking us up at 3 am for no real reason. No matter how much he annoys me and my partner in the wee hours of the morning, I would rather have him around. He is the closest thing I have to a child, and he is totally a part of our tiny family.

Dysfunctional Family Day at Ikea

I love me some cheap Scandinavian decor, I am after all, Native American AND Finnish. It's in my blood. I like to think my "home decor" is Scandinavian meets funky thrift store, meets creepy. What I do not like, is going to Ikea and finding every single dysfunctional family in Oregon and Washington pushing and screaming their way through the big blue and yellow warehouse.

This morning my partner and I got up nice and early to "splurge" on the $1.99 breakfast and $.99 coffee at Ikea before heading into the belly of the Skandi whale. And of course, a fun family of 6 screaming people were in front of us. They were dragging their feet arguing over who get's fruit, who want's bacon and who get's a sticky bun.....*deep sigh*. I don't think they even cared that everyone behind them was being really cool about how long it took them to get through the simple cafeteria style line. It's $1.99, there are 20 people qued up behind you, not to mention the fact that EVERYTHING in Ikea is set up for streamline ease and flow. These people did not get the memo. Grandma is hurrying up the youngest boy who decided to spill his water onto the floor to see if anyone would notice. Mom and Dad say nothing....it felt like the son is starving for attention from his parents, how sad. Interesting factoid, dad had a creepy Elmer Fudd holding an AK-47 tattoo on his calf.



With full bellies, we bolted down to the main floor searching for dishes, one picture frame, and the tool that takes my bed apart. See we decided to redo our entire 2 story, 2 bedroom apartment. We got the downstairs done in one day last weekend, so we planned today to be the "swap the bedroom for the office" day. We thought it would take 3 hours, max. Ha, it took about 5.5 hours......

I have to say though, it feels good to have new spaces set up in a house that you are trying your damnedest to love. I have a love-hate relationship with Portland right now, so making my living space comfortable, makes those days when I am not so in love with my city, palatable.



I realized during this process that home is what you make it, and I haven't been able to do that in the 6 years I have lived here. I lived with my ex in many different homes, and none of them had a good flow, for whatever reason. We always lived in cool neighborhoods, but the spaces themselves just never felt "right". Maybe it was just our mis-matched chemistry.



Now, I love my apartment, but hate the location. Gun shots, bar fights, meth dealing neighbor, possible sex trafficking across the street, and tons of loud cars. It's what I can afford, but honestly, dealing with all that in Portland, feels lame. It would feel more normal back in LA or in NY. In fact I expect it there, not here where I have 80 year old spruce trees in my yard and a view of Mt. Hood.



I moved here to have the funky small town life, but because of gentrification and yuppie condo's, I (and every other broke ass Portlander), have been pushed out closer to the woods but with this strange David Lynch undertone. And not in a good way. It's hard to explain, maybe I am just growing tired of this kind of life. Maybe I feel really pissed that I can't afford to live in neighborhoods where things I am interested in are within walking distance.



I like the taco stand across the road and the little thrift store, but that is where it ends. I love my tiny back yard, but can't stand my drama-fied neighbor that has a serious meth-drinking-sex worker issue. There are at LEAST 5 different dudes in and out of her house daily, and I am a HUGE sex-work advocate and supporter....just not when meth dealing is also involved and possible sex trafficking. Then on the other side I have the machismo dude and his interesting lady friend who I SWEAR was giving him a hand job on the hood of his car when I got home from work yesterday.....I think I do live in David Lynch land.

It makes for interesting stories for sure, but I'm ready for a space that is quiet-ish, green, and where my neighbors genuinely say hi to me, like I do to them. So for now, inside my house is my sanctuary.

Zeptember &. Roctober

There is no time of year that makes this little lady's heart more full than the fall season. Crisp air, crunchy leaves, layering clothes, fingerless gloves, busting out of all my favorite scary movies, spending hours in my studio painting while playing records, and cooking.

I have this friend, I like to call her "T-Boz", she and I used to do steak night once a month where we got together and cooked different variations of steak. After being vegetarian for 16 years and vegan for 5, I woke up one day and ate a piece of bacon. That was 3 years ago, and I knew that the need to eat meat would not last too long, so mine and T-Boz's choice to do a monthly steak night was not going to be a very long lived venture. Well my body decided that steak night was over almost a year to the day of it's inception.

With the news of my impending non-meat eating life, we decided that we would continue the monthly cooking but change the inspiration, and just in time for FALL! We met up this week and decided on a Fall/Winter bake fest! I KNOW.....

I am not much of a baker, but I was married to one so this is the time to work it out and bust out some of the skills I picked up. Portland's cold wet weather lasts ohhhh about 8/9 months, so I am scouring the interwebs, my old cook books and asking friends what their favorite baked items are. What's yours?

I had intended on using this blog to document a year of my life, daily, and incorporate my photography into it, (and I plan to do so once Rocktober ends), but there might be some food porn and possible ramblings of cooking thrown in, and I know how overdone and obnoxious reading about someone cooking can be, just bare with me. Even as I sit here, in the back ground I hear Alton Brown rambling on about ginger, and it's many uses.....over the muffled snoring of my partner who lays beside me. Not real intriguing to read, but just stick with me, it will be worth it, I promise.

Freaks

I was always pretty fascinated with freak shows and side shows at circus's and county fair's as a child, a mixture of fear and intrigue. Perhaps that sparked my interest in body modification and tattooing in the mid '80s.

I got my nose pierced on the Venice boardwalk when I was 14 and had downed an entire 40 oz bottle of Budweiser. Needless to say, I passed out and fell off the stool. My mother was mortified and I loved it.

Later, when I was 15, I got my first tattoo in a hotel room in Mexico by my best friend, Jenny Brown. It was a very crooked "Black Flag" with the flag bars on top, also very crooked. My mother REALLY hated that, and with that I was hooked for life.

I lost count of how many actual tattoos I have, I do know that I am fully sleeved on both arms, my back is partially done, and I have 3 tattoos on each leg. My most creepy one is my vampire bite that is located on the right side of my neck.....most folks do a double take upon first discovery. My favorite one at the moment is a tie between my jar of french mustard and my stargazer lilies.




Every piece I have, I got when something big happened in my life....a new city, new love, someone died, best friends, new life paths, feeling pride in something, whatever. It doesn't take much for me be convinced that something will make a good piece of art.

I also have had a few piercings. My septum has been pierced for about 15 years, and had to be re-done 4 times due to surgeries, allergies, loosing jewelry while on tour, whatever. I have had my tongue, lip, labret, ears several times, and almost.....my nipples. I totally chickened out after having a breast reduction, I really didn't want to mess around anymore, my boobs are pretty amazing on their own....not to toot my own horn, but toot toot.

Currently I have plans to re-do my back piece, an homage to circus freaks. Specifically female freaks, Betty Broadbent, Monya The Snake Lady, Violetta The Half Woman, and some amazingly awesome female fire breather. I also want to cover my calf pieces with my favorite fruit and veg and a huge piece of Nick Blinko's art. But all this costs money, a lot of money.....that I currently am lacking.




I never seem to realize how tattooed I really am until I'm naked and dating someone new, or when the warm months come around and the layers come off.

I love that I am part of "weird" American history, being a tattooed woman that is not ashamed of my freakishness. Funny thing is, I don't think I am all that "weird", and in contrast to other people into tattoo culture, I really am pretty normal.