Today was a rough one. It started out great, woke up snuggly to my boo, got up, ate pancakes, had a cup of coffee, pee'd on a stick, got dressed, went to the library to pick up "From The Hips", then the day went down hill from that point.
We went to Best Buy to get one of Cory's gifts from me, a case for his iPhone. We were cool, walking around among the madness, I even picked up for myself the new Sims 3 expansion pack. We checked out, walked to the car and then the wave of doom washed over me. I sat in the car almost on the verge of tears, begging Cory to just get me home. I pulled my knit cap over my face and slumped down in my seat so I could not see anything and held his hand so hard, I thought I might break it. We got home after what felt like hours but was more like 15 minutes. I ran in the house and sat on the couch and took deep breaths......over and over, trying to keep myself from dipping into a panic attack. I could not shake this feeling of impending doom, so I drew a bath and layed in the tub soaking and breathing.
I hoped that had worked, but sure as shit, I got out, got dressed and crawled into bed, yes it was only 6pm, and could not catch my breath still. Cory was being so sweet and calm and just letting me try to work through it all. I do have a past history of severe anxiety/panic, but have not had any major issues for years. So I drank some water and Cory brought me some mint tea and then he sat next to me, untangling the HUGE mess of knots in one of my mom's old necklaces that I found yesterday, (yes he really IS that amazing and sweet), and then he did it.....he put Purple Rain on the iTunes......I lost it, crying and singing along! What is up with me??
I had three nights of bad/weird dreams and then this. Maybe some suppressed holiday bull trying to take me down? Meh, I refuse to give in...I cried a tiny bit then began reading this website called " "Your Plus Size Pregnancy". This one statement again brought on the water works, but they were happy ones:
"Love your body. You may feel that your body is standing in the way of your goal. Don’t fall into a negative body image. You have a beautiful, curvy body. It is perfect for nurturing a baby. Appreciate the beauty of who you are." So with that, Cory had finished untangling my mom's necklace and I put it on.
Perhaps I just am feeling the stress of my parents not being here anymore and am feeling stuff I may have pushed deep down and had hoped would just go away. This process has definitely made me miss my parents and sister more than ever before, and honestly I hate that I still cry about the loss. I think the fact that I have Cory and we are making a family, something I never thought would happen for me, I know my parents would have loved to share with me......especially my mom....and perhaps that is the rub. I always wanted to make them proud, and always felt like I was just one let down after another.
I just need to press on, and continue moving forward, because forward is always better than backwards.....and who the hell needs to be sad about positive changes anyhow?
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