Bitch ass, Aunt Flo

I was hoping this month we would be pregnant, then today I started spotting, took a pregnancy test, negative. I feel so sad. I do not know why I am letting myself get so wrapped up in this, it's only the second month trying. *sigh* I guess since my cycle was 26 days last month, and now this month I am on day 29, I was hoping I would miss it all together.....but I suspect tomorrow Aunt Flo will show her stupid face......maybe there is something to that whole "knowing" you are pregnant jazz.


I sat here crying, while Cory is in the kitchen making homemade ravioli for us...I feel selfish, and shitty, I admit it. Is this normal? To feel so alone and confused and un-trusting of my body? Why, for the last two months did I think I was pregnant, and feeling barfy, just to be deflated and wrong? I have never not been in tune with my body before....I feel like my head is now screwing up everything. Maybe I just need a hot bath and a hug.....maybe the fact we are listening to Ennio Morricone right now is not helping....

I need to keep reminding myself what my doc said...most couples don't conceive until the 6th month mark, and only 63% within the first year of trying. I just start having all those really self deprecating thoughts like, "I waited too long", "I took too many drugs when I was younger", "I'm too fat", or that whole stupid "Maybe I should not have had an abortion when I was 18".....ugh why do I do this to myself? Do I stop charting and just go with nature? Do I keep charting and stop stressing? I wish I could call my mom.

The good thing, my boo got me this amazing ring, it's not my engagement ring, although I had once told him that if he ever were to propose, this is the ring I would want. It is the most heavy metal and creeptastic bird talon holding a giant ass crystal in silver and black gold!!!!! He said last night after seeing the confusion on my face when he nervously and accidentally crammed it on the wrong finger, that HE wants to pick my engagement ring. He also said he totally blew being spontaneous and romantic, but I say getting me this ring as a sort of promise, was very sweet and romantic. His plan was to lovingly place this on my hand last night in bed, but just couldn't wait. Big nerd. I love the shit out of him.