Just a little patience.....

Patience is not something I have had much of since Cory and I started working towards a third member of our family. For the second time, I have tested early, and gotten that annoying result, NP. When will I learn to wait? I feel like part of me thinks I might stop having period symptoms if I take a pregnancy test 6 days before I am supposed to start my cycle again.

This has been a very challenging 2 months....for my patience, my ability to understand my body, to trust that we will conceive when we are supposed too, and that I am not barren. I know it is silly to feel defeated when I don't even know yet, I am supposed to start my period around the 4th of December, so why I am being so weird?

I have felt crampy off and on all month. I sort of feel in my gut that I'm not pregnant yet.....although I felt in my gut that I was a couple weeks back. As soon as I start to cramp I think, damn-it. I never thought in a million years, that getting pregnant would be so hard, and emotionally draining.

I know that we will probably have to keep trying for at least 6 months. I suppose I just hoped that Cory and I would get pregnant on the first try. I am not feeling defeated at all, just annoyed. I want to share this with everyone, but we have to get there first, then wait until I get out of my first trimester to tell everyone. Oye....so much work, but I am ok with it. I can't wait to make our family a full circle.

Cory and I are not married, but I have a feeling that we will be someday. I know he worries about me and my emotions. He is afraid that my not getting pregnant as fast as we wanted, might break my spirit. He knows how much being a family means to me.....but I assure him I will not let this push me into depression. I have faith that we will get pregnant, with a healthy baby soon. THAT, I do feel in my gut. I just need to be patient.

So for now I will keep on humming Gun's & Roses "Patience".....

Cranky Pants are On

I'm feeling cranky today, and I am pretty sure it's because I am feeling frustrated with this whole pregnancy business. Why? Well because I fear I won't get pregnant, that I am too old, my eggs are bad, or it's just not meant to be. We have only been trying for two months, but I feel cramps and moody, tell tale signs of pms and I am on cycle day 17. So I am already beating myself up and I haven't even bled yet.

Is this normal? I don't know, I don't feel like I have anyone I can really lean on right now that has gone through trying to get pregnant. I look at blogs and other things written by strangers, but they are just that, strangers. I just feel alone right now, and wish I could talk to my mom or sister.

I feel super irritable today. I guess life can't be awesome every day right?

Just Breathe

I have this client, who is in a very, very bad DV situation, and being forced into an abortion. I am pro-choice, and being pro-choice means I believe it is a woman's right to choose, period. To chose too have an abortion or too not have one. I have to remain neutral, be her advocate and support her, but show no personal emotion. It is really hard right now, especially with my trying to get pregnant.

I see in her eyes the pain that this man is putting her through, how confused and torn she is, and when she is away from him, she see's clearly, then the phone rings.....and she goes back to praising him. She said she was not having an abortion, she wanted to keep her baby, then today I get a call from a co-worker that she made an appointment. So I have to breathe and support her. I would not have an issue with it if I knew it was HER decision, not some punk kid who hits her and forced her to get pregnant, but now wants to run away to California and leave her and not face his responsibility, so he forces her to make a call she did not want to make. It's just really hard at work this week.

On the "Morton-Dow" baby front, we are on day 12 of this months cycle, and have been "trying" every day, for the last 9 days. Wow, I never thought I would be THIS candid about my sex life.....anyhow, we have 6-7 more days until I'm no longer "fertile" for the month, then time for testing. We really are trying to relax and not be too hopeful, it will happen when it's supposed to, right? It was deflating when I started my period last time, but after a day or so, we got back the excitement and realize that this could take a while. But we have found some pretty cute things we want to get!

Honestly, I can't believe who I have turned into in the last couple months....I admit it and give in, I have baby fever and embrace it all!
Looking at this kind of fun stuff, erases the crappy parts of my day, for sure, and also makes me remember to be the best advocate for my clients I can. They don't have the privilege I have, even when I feel desperately broke, I know that I need to appreciate everything and everyone I do have.


Sorry dudes for dorking out, but I am a heavily tattooed mama after all, that is the PERFECT diaper bag for me, *hint*hint*

Hot Chocolate & Love

This weekend my partner and I had a small gathering of friends over for dinner and a tiny version of my annual Dia De Los Muertos party. I had intended on having a real celebration, with many friends, but I just didn't have the energy to share this with a large group. Just not there yet, but I will be. In any case, I made a massive pan of homemade cheese enchiladas with home made tortillas, re-fried beans from scratch, elote, guacamole,(and my most favorite), Mexican hot chocolate! I think I might just od on the stuff.

It was such a good night with just 4 close friends, good stories, and sharing the news that Cory and I are starting a family. Despite starting my cycle the same night, I know that it won't be long before Cory and I are laying in bed with a tiny little one between us.

I feel so much closer to my partner, and he to me. It is amazing how happy I am considering that just 2 1/2 years ago, I felt like I was going to end up divorced and alone forever....that I would never find someone that understood me completely and loved me in spite of my flaws. Someone that lifted me up and didn't make fun of my sensitivity. I was miserable and in a marriage that was toxic for both of us. Then I decided to leave, I realized that we were never going to be able to see eye to eye or agree on anything. We both were traveling in opposite directions, and no amount of trying, therapy or fighting was going to fix it. My ex and I both new it was best to part ways. At the time, I had no clue that my best friend was going to turn out to be the great love of my life.....but here we are, a little over a year later and making a family, something I have always wanted and never thought would happen. I feel so grateful and blessed. Annnnnnd, I am totally ok with having to try again at the "baby making"......it's not like it's work or anything.



I stayed in tonight and made an AMAZING potato, caramelized onion and roasted garlic/asparagus pizza, from scratch, for my boo, and the last of that Mexican hot chocolate. I really enjoy my time with Cory and my friends, making good food for them, and talking about simple things. It's sounds boring, but I'll take boring with a smile.

Eah

Aunt flo is in town.....oh well, it's ok, trying is the bet part, right? Tonight we had a little dinner party, for which I over cooked because I thought more than 4 would be here, and now at 1:52 in the morning, I am trying to wind down from drinking way too much Mexican hot chocolate and watching multiple episodes of Trailer Park Boys.

I miss living in a place where I have a close knit group of friends, where dinner parties, casual of course, happen often, no one feels awkward, everyone is there for everyone, and my social dance card is full and bright.

I miss LA, and my people there.....I also wish that friends who live far away in the Oly area, lived closer so we could garden together, cook food, and make crafty crap together.....I think I slightly feel deflated tonight, deflated, fat and unpopular. Yay.

I'll be fine tomorrow. I always am.

TTC?

So for the last month, Cory and I have been trying to "get pregnant". I decided to start "logging" this new and strange journey and looking up other blogs, sites, etc.....wow is there A LOT OF WEIRD LINGO out there.....TTC- Trying To Conceive....reminds me of TCB (Takin' Care Of Business) & TTH (Trying Too Hard). Oye vey, so much to read and learn, and honestly part of me longs for the days of when getting pregnant was "easy". AKA the accidental OOPS. At 39, I kind of have to "try", and it's been a humbling process. I have a fertility chart, I know when I "should" be ovulating and/or fertile....and when we should be "doing it". It kind of feels slightly regimented, good thing Cory and I have a very healthy and strong sex life.

I have told a some close friends that we are trying, and informed my employer as well. But beyond that, we are taking it slow and just waiting. We are trying to keep on with our lives, but we both kind of have baby fever right now, and have started to make lists for names, looked at strollers, cribs, baby clothes, baby slings, birthing videos, and discussed how we want to raise our little bambino/a. We are just a tiny bit excited...

I started to take prenatal's about 3 weeks ago, and like a jerk, took 2 pregnancy tests early, WHY? Is this normal for a hopeful mother? I have no idea.....part of me feels like I am pregnant already, but then I keep having cramps and other "pre-period" symptoms...but everything I read says that could also be early pregnancy symptoms. I never thought I would be this anxious to MISS my period. Yesterday we met with my new OBGYN, and she was amazing. She did my surgery this year when I had to have a endomitrioma removed in April, so I feel pretty comfortable with her. She was awesome, did not say anything obnoxious like, "well you are kind of older" or "You need to LOOSE WEIGHT"...no no, none of that, just a bunch of positive encouragement, quick exam, and a big grin. She walked us through amnio testing, should I decide to do that, and Cory and I already discussed it and decided against it. It makes a "high risk" pregnancy, even higher risk for miscarriage, so we opted to just do blood tests and ultrasounds. Non-invasive is what we want. We discussed that since I am "older" (39), I will be induced at 40 weeks, which is fine by me. So we feel ready, and hopeful, and also know that this might take a year before we even get pregnant, but I'm up for the challenge!

In any case, this blog has taken a turn, and might just be my baby making blog.....does anyone even read this?