Change

So yeah, I suck as a blogger, sorry. I am not even aware if anyone even reads this, and honestly my life has been so hectic, blogging has been the last thing on my list. But today I dedicate some time to you dear reader(s).

So last entry was, oh what in February? Umm, so Chekota turned one, we are still having court battles to keep her, Cory and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary, oh and I'm pregnant.

Yes, we did it, FINALLY! Fucking miracle. My OB told me at my first ultrasound appointment, "Honey after your surgery, I really wasn't sure if you were going to be able to conceive". But we fucking did it! I knew as soon as I was really done trying, something would happen, I was just praying it wouldn't be "Octomom-PDX". What we know thus far is baby Dow is due Feb 4th 2013, strong heartbeat, and I'm doing good. I have had all day sickness really, feels a lot like being motion sick, ALL DAY. I've also been tired beyond belief.

It's strange, I always imagined pregnancy one way, but it's not at all how I dreamed it. Maybe because I never thought it would happen for me....but here I sit, bloated, pregnant belly popped, nauseous, and rosy cheeked.

I promise to update more about the baby as the pregnancy moves forward.
Other than that, nothing else seems noteworthy. I'm just in that usual space of work, family life, loathing of Portland weather and the majority of it's resident-hipster-poseur-I'm-so-cool-but-really-I'm-just-copying-what-every one-that-was-rad-in-the-'80s-did-even though-the-'80s-sucked-scene. Well I had fun in the '80s, but then again I was a teenager going into my twenties then, so of course it was fun. Yes I said it. I'm SO OVER you and your revival of whacky. It's not whacky, and you are only "cool" in your bubble. Maybe you need that bubble to feel validated, and hopefully you will find a space where you don't NEED validation or a bubble to feel good about who you are. You are cool and rad all by yourself. I guess I will never understand the carbon copy-ness of younger generations. My friends and I never looked alike, so it is strange to me. Ahhh well, I'm 40, what do I know.

Maybe this is what happens when your no longer interested in youth culture and you really just like what you have liked for the last two decades. Eah I'm just a bitch sometimes, but that is ok, at least I'm honest.

Wee photo update:

2112

Today's date marks many things:

1. The title to one of my all time favorite Rush albums.
2. The 23rd anniversary of my sisters death.
3. The 2nd month Chekota has been in our home.

The last couple weeks have been very hard. I went to an update hearing to discuss what is happening to Chekota and heard the birth family on the phone and it was heart breaking. Of course I know my position in all of this, but the longer she is with us, the more connected I feel to her and she to us.

We have three more months until we go to court again to see if any family has stepped forward to take Chekota. If nothing pans out, she stays with us, and once she has been in foster care for a year, (This August), we can petition to adopt.

It has been the most painful time of my life....and today I had a post-op follow up with my OBGYN and she didn't have very thrilling news. If I am not pregnant now, I will begin Clomid for three-six cycles. If nothing happens still, I will probably need a full hysto. I will cross that bridge later because I can't wrap my mind around loosing that part of who I am, or the fact that if I don't, my chances for Ovarian Cancer go up immensely.

I have been pretty emotionally fragile laitly, and knowing several pregnant women at the moment, has been the most difficult thing ever. I want to be happy for them and not jealous, share in the joy for them.......but I just can't and feel like the worst friend ever. How fucking selfish of me.....but it's real. I sometimes wonder if I did something in my life that is causing this to happen.

I just need to remember to breathe and ask creator to help me though this pain, and try to hold onto these memories we are making with Chekota.

Year in Review, Kinda....

I suppose it is the thing to do when you "blog", you know, write a wrap up of the outgoing year. I realize that this year I pretty much FAILED at blogging, but it's ok, I had a ton of stuff going on, and I am not a very good inter-nerder these days. But I will recap on the last few months and give a gentle nod to my hopes for 2012...

As 2011 was the year of "TTC" (Trying to Conceive), I spent the majority of the year tracking cycles, learning all about infertility and endometriosis. I knew I had endo, but thought after my first cyst removal, I had been cured. Turns out I'm not....We found out in October I think, that it had come back and I had another pretty large mass on my right ovary. I had surgery again on December 22 and found out that not only did I have another endometrioma, but there is scar tissue on my bladder and bowel. My surgeon was unable to remove the cyst, and only drained it. So we are not sure what this will do. Cory and I are going to continue TTC-ing for a few more months, then I might have to have a full hysterectomy.

I have been trying very hard to come to terms with what is happening to my body, but honestly am unsure how to be "ok" with it. I feel cheated and angry, but I know at some point I will be ok. I do have the best partner ON EARTH, and that is what matters. If being a mom is not a part of my path, I will have to be ok with that....I'm not sure how, but I'm a pretty tough lady when I need to be.

That said, last month Cory and I DID become Foster Parents to a beautiful little girl named Chekota. She and I are both from the same tribe, (Well we are both multi-tribal but we have one common tribal affiliation), and she oddly looks like she could be my child. She is 8 months old and the most fun I have ever known. She is permanently placed with us until mom get's her life together, or the state decides otherwise. The baby has been in Foster Care since July of 2011 due to neglect and abuse, and was VERY VERY ill when she arrived in Oregon. After being in medical FC (Foster Care) for several months, she was placed with us because I'm Native. Sadly, Cory and I are the ONLY available Native family in Portland. I know, how is that possible....without getting into specifics, birth family is very unstable, and has since gone back to Oklahoma to try and "figure things out". I am all for family reunification, I usually am working on the other end of situations like this in my professional life, but in this case, I honestly feel like she is better off with us.

I have to go to court this month to meet the family judge and testify on how Chekota is doing. We are going to petition to adopt her if/when the time comes, but there is still a good chance mom will get sober and figure out what it means to be a mom, or other family will pop up.....a lot could happen in the next 6 months.

This has been a very emotionally draining process, and if we loose Chekota, I am not sure if I can handle it again. I don't think Cory could either. We have fallen head over heels in love with this magical little girl and will be crushed if we loose her.

We also have a whole new understanding on how hard being a parent is, and also how fucking amazing it is. *sigh*

We have had several colds, watched her get 8 teeth, dealt with many diaper blow outs, giggles, drooling on everything, sleepless nights and the heart breaking sounds of an over tired baby. I wouldn't trade this time for anything, no matter how much this has tested my heart, mind, marriage, and ability to multi-task. I also have been teaching her Tsalagi so she knows our language.

So yeah, my lack of blogging is because I've been busy being a mommy and having surgery.

My hopes for 2012 are simple and few.......

1. Conceive, carry, deliver and raise one healthy child.
2. Give back to my husband, 10-fold, what he has given me in the last 3 months.
3. Keep Chekota forever.

4. Get healthy again.

I could go on, but that is my Top 4.......I also am hellbent on blogging more this year....feels like so much is happening and I should be documenting it all. We have been taking photos like crazy, go figure with both of us being photographers, but here is a wee "Best Of December" for you dear readers. Yes, she truly is this cute...

Chekota, Auntie Dana and Uncle Ryan


Chekota and Auntie Caitlin


Chekota and Auntie Taija


Watching a movie with Mommy


Baby and Daddy


Mommy and Chekota after mommy's surgery


Playing in the laundry hamper


Cory's favorite photo at the moment


Chekota listening to Daddy


Again, listening to Daddy


Chekota and her kitty Stella


Her first night home with us


Kicking it with Mommy day after surgery


First car ride home with us


Daddy and daughter

Hello, is this thing on?

I forgot to post some new photos....Cory and I re-married in Astoria, long story that is irrelevant....anyways we had a great time with some of our closest friends, Jess and Krista. I have a Love/Hate relationship with the Pacific NW, and am trying to lean more on the Love side of things...this trip totally helped.

November Rain

I sat here thinking of what to touch on in this update, as they seem to be barley once a month these days. Work is busy as ever, I'm spending way more time at Powwows and other Native community events with my husband and friends, beading always, trying to make a baby, trying to figure out our next vacation to LA, etc.... We found out we are going to be fostering a 6 month old little girl next week, possibly to adopt, and I'm keeping my cool....not setting myself up for heartache. I sat here being reflective about how much has changed in the last 4 years. How much I have changed. And there it was, my desire to write an open letter to a person that will never read it, but needs to be written. A person I once trusted with my life, but now can't even fathom being friends with, and how strange that is. This is the last page of an ugly book that needs to be turned and then burned...

Dear you,

I remember when I used to get a thrill from seeing your name pop up on my cell phone, or feeling your hand brush up against mine. There was a time when I couldn't imagine a life without you in it, when the thought of not having you in my world pained me, literally. Then one day I woke up and looked at you and realized that you and I were never really friends....that everything about me annoyed you because you told me so. How I was "a baby", and "too sensitive". How your mother and best friend were always more important than me, and how I could never compete with that, not that I wanted too, I just wanted to be in the same category instead of bottom tier. You know it IS possible to love many people at one time... That no matter how hard I tried, I would never measure up in "their" eyes. I woke up being tired.....sick and tired of fighting every 5 minutes, sick and tired of feeling inadequate, and never doing "enough". Realizing that you didn't really love me. Maybe you did, for a second. You never fought for us when things started to go bad. Maybe because you grew up always seeing failing relationships. I remember you crying when I said I was moving, it was the first time in YEARS, that I saw an emotion from you. It was so sad....mostly because it was too late.

A month or so later, after not wanting to talk with me for an undisclosed amount of time, for a reason that felt more like a control issue for you rather than wanting time to think, you made me make a list of things "I HAD to change" in order for YOU to take ME back.....and like a sucker, I did it. Like some child......wait, didn't I move out by my own choice? Didn't I tell you that I was tired of fighting....but here YOU are telling me once again, how to act and what to do? Ignoring the things that you probably should be working on yourself, like being respectful to the ones you love. Then the kicker, I give you the list and you critiqued it......at that moment I knew there was no way this power struggle would end. That you would ever respect me, that you would forever make me out to be the bad guy, never ONCE taking responsibility for your part in our failure. But like a well trained puppy, or perhaps because I was afraid of being alone, not being in a safe familiar space, I held on a wee bit more.

Then spring came and I found out my dad was dying, and my knee jerk reaction was to call you first....and for a moment you were human, and caring....then the next day when we spoke, you told me your mother told you that it was "no longer your JOB" to care about me and my life. I sat there, like taking the final blow to my already beat the fuck down esteem....and just exhaled. I didn't know it was the last time I would hear your voice on the phone.

So I moved on, you told me our divorce would be amicable, we could be friends, we agreed it was totally over.....then you text me....you needed all my info because YOU were filing for divorce and you refused to talk to me. Your anger was like a red hot poker sticking me in my eyes and throat over and over again. Those wounds that were starting to scab.....ripped back open.

I sold our car, and gave you half of what I got for it, since you paid for half the car 5 years prior. You met me so I could give you the cash, and you seemed surprised that I would even share that money.. Why? Was I ever really mean to you? I can't recall. I know I yelled out of frustration because I never felt like you heard me, or cared about me. I know I yelled because I never felt like you loved me 1/4 as much as I loved you. I guess I had to endure all this to get to where I am now.

I spent that later time alone. To figure out what I wanted, needed, deserved, and what I refused to tolerate in a lover. I learned how to respect myself, and to honor myself. To NOT feel bad for my sensitivity, and to know when sarcasm shifts to hurtful words.

I let myself fall in love once again...this time with someone I was friends with first. Someone I know enjoys my company. Someone who finds the validity in putting their partner first when needed.....note I said, "When Needed". He puts himself first, and prefers to talk with me when we disagree vs. be rude and snide and hurtful. He has been patient and helped me undo a lot of crap you helped create.

I have to thank you though, you helped me hit a bottom that needed to be hit. So I could look in a mirror and say "What the fucking fuck". I picked myself up, worked on changing things about myself that I, not you, that I wanted to change. And it was all for the best.

I have never been as happy as I have been for the last 3 years. While that last year for us was hell, it was worth it to get to where I am today. I write this with good intentions, to send all that pain up into the sky.

I'm a better person today for this, a better wife, and soon, mother. I don't need to be friends with you, and honestly don't think I would want to be anymore. I do however hope that you find happiness, or that you may already have.

Good Good Things

Wow another month of my life slipping away and no documentation! I suppose being busy is the reason, and trying to stay unplugged and more present. So in the last month Cory and I have gotten a surgery date set, December 22nd, and we also have had our first home visit with our DHS case worker. It's been a crazy ride, but we will probably have a baby in 5 months! We are fostering for now, but our case worker knows we would be willing to adopt as well, so we have a bunch of hoops to get through in the next few weeks. But we are absolutely fine with it all!

After I have surgery, I should be fertile once again, and that is something else we are talking to our case worker about. We are determined to have a child this year, and have all windows and doors open. I feel so excited and anxious, I can hardly sleep these days!

Work has been insanely busy, and I have begun gathering items for my regalia. I will have my coming out next summer so I have a lot of planning to do between now and August. Wheeewwww!

I'm super happy and grateful every day and can't even explain how wonderful it feels to have the life you dreamed of for so so so very long.

Can't Breathe

The inevitable happened...I got the news today that I have another endometrioma, and a possible fibroid. What does this mean? Well it could mean hysterectomy, it could mean another painful laparoscopic surgery, it could mean worse, a tumor.

My OBGYN is out of town until next week, so I have to sit here and wait, and wonder why this is happening to me and Cory. Why is it that the one thing I have wanted my entire life, is possibly no longer an option? I sat at my desk trying to choke back the tears while reading my Ultrasound report....my co-workers knew something was up....tears fell from my eyes faster than I could catch them. I said, "I feel like I am being punished"....I said it out loud.....because I do. I try to not think that the choices I made in the past were wrong. I made them for a reason...I was not ready. But now I am, and now I can't.....

I try to think that there is a reason for things unfolding the way they are, but today I just want to curl up and cry for a baby I will never have.