2112

Today's date marks many things:

1. The title to one of my all time favorite Rush albums.
2. The 23rd anniversary of my sisters death.
3. The 2nd month Chekota has been in our home.

The last couple weeks have been very hard. I went to an update hearing to discuss what is happening to Chekota and heard the birth family on the phone and it was heart breaking. Of course I know my position in all of this, but the longer she is with us, the more connected I feel to her and she to us.

We have three more months until we go to court again to see if any family has stepped forward to take Chekota. If nothing pans out, she stays with us, and once she has been in foster care for a year, (This August), we can petition to adopt.

It has been the most painful time of my life....and today I had a post-op follow up with my OBGYN and she didn't have very thrilling news. If I am not pregnant now, I will begin Clomid for three-six cycles. If nothing happens still, I will probably need a full hysto. I will cross that bridge later because I can't wrap my mind around loosing that part of who I am, or the fact that if I don't, my chances for Ovarian Cancer go up immensely.

I have been pretty emotionally fragile laitly, and knowing several pregnant women at the moment, has been the most difficult thing ever. I want to be happy for them and not jealous, share in the joy for them.......but I just can't and feel like the worst friend ever. How fucking selfish of me.....but it's real. I sometimes wonder if I did something in my life that is causing this to happen.

I just need to remember to breathe and ask creator to help me though this pain, and try to hold onto these memories we are making with Chekota.