November Rain

I sat here thinking of what to touch on in this update, as they seem to be barley once a month these days. Work is busy as ever, I'm spending way more time at Powwows and other Native community events with my husband and friends, beading always, trying to make a baby, trying to figure out our next vacation to LA, etc.... We found out we are going to be fostering a 6 month old little girl next week, possibly to adopt, and I'm keeping my cool....not setting myself up for heartache. I sat here being reflective about how much has changed in the last 4 years. How much I have changed. And there it was, my desire to write an open letter to a person that will never read it, but needs to be written. A person I once trusted with my life, but now can't even fathom being friends with, and how strange that is. This is the last page of an ugly book that needs to be turned and then burned...

Dear you,

I remember when I used to get a thrill from seeing your name pop up on my cell phone, or feeling your hand brush up against mine. There was a time when I couldn't imagine a life without you in it, when the thought of not having you in my world pained me, literally. Then one day I woke up and looked at you and realized that you and I were never really friends....that everything about me annoyed you because you told me so. How I was "a baby", and "too sensitive". How your mother and best friend were always more important than me, and how I could never compete with that, not that I wanted too, I just wanted to be in the same category instead of bottom tier. You know it IS possible to love many people at one time... That no matter how hard I tried, I would never measure up in "their" eyes. I woke up being tired.....sick and tired of fighting every 5 minutes, sick and tired of feeling inadequate, and never doing "enough". Realizing that you didn't really love me. Maybe you did, for a second. You never fought for us when things started to go bad. Maybe because you grew up always seeing failing relationships. I remember you crying when I said I was moving, it was the first time in YEARS, that I saw an emotion from you. It was so sad....mostly because it was too late.

A month or so later, after not wanting to talk with me for an undisclosed amount of time, for a reason that felt more like a control issue for you rather than wanting time to think, you made me make a list of things "I HAD to change" in order for YOU to take ME back.....and like a sucker, I did it. Like some child......wait, didn't I move out by my own choice? Didn't I tell you that I was tired of fighting....but here YOU are telling me once again, how to act and what to do? Ignoring the things that you probably should be working on yourself, like being respectful to the ones you love. Then the kicker, I give you the list and you critiqued it......at that moment I knew there was no way this power struggle would end. That you would ever respect me, that you would forever make me out to be the bad guy, never ONCE taking responsibility for your part in our failure. But like a well trained puppy, or perhaps because I was afraid of being alone, not being in a safe familiar space, I held on a wee bit more.

Then spring came and I found out my dad was dying, and my knee jerk reaction was to call you first....and for a moment you were human, and caring....then the next day when we spoke, you told me your mother told you that it was "no longer your JOB" to care about me and my life. I sat there, like taking the final blow to my already beat the fuck down esteem....and just exhaled. I didn't know it was the last time I would hear your voice on the phone.

So I moved on, you told me our divorce would be amicable, we could be friends, we agreed it was totally over.....then you text me....you needed all my info because YOU were filing for divorce and you refused to talk to me. Your anger was like a red hot poker sticking me in my eyes and throat over and over again. Those wounds that were starting to scab.....ripped back open.

I sold our car, and gave you half of what I got for it, since you paid for half the car 5 years prior. You met me so I could give you the cash, and you seemed surprised that I would even share that money.. Why? Was I ever really mean to you? I can't recall. I know I yelled out of frustration because I never felt like you heard me, or cared about me. I know I yelled because I never felt like you loved me 1/4 as much as I loved you. I guess I had to endure all this to get to where I am now.

I spent that later time alone. To figure out what I wanted, needed, deserved, and what I refused to tolerate in a lover. I learned how to respect myself, and to honor myself. To NOT feel bad for my sensitivity, and to know when sarcasm shifts to hurtful words.

I let myself fall in love once again...this time with someone I was friends with first. Someone I know enjoys my company. Someone who finds the validity in putting their partner first when needed.....note I said, "When Needed". He puts himself first, and prefers to talk with me when we disagree vs. be rude and snide and hurtful. He has been patient and helped me undo a lot of crap you helped create.

I have to thank you though, you helped me hit a bottom that needed to be hit. So I could look in a mirror and say "What the fucking fuck". I picked myself up, worked on changing things about myself that I, not you, that I wanted to change. And it was all for the best.

I have never been as happy as I have been for the last 3 years. While that last year for us was hell, it was worth it to get to where I am today. I write this with good intentions, to send all that pain up into the sky.

I'm a better person today for this, a better wife, and soon, mother. I don't need to be friends with you, and honestly don't think I would want to be anymore. I do however hope that you find happiness, or that you may already have.