Stocking Day

Since I'm not a christian/catholic, practice the old ways and follow the red road, Christmas is not a big deal to me. It always felt like the "guilt" time of the year, and as I get older I find myself pulling further away from said time of year, but this year seeing how I'm the happiest I have ever been in my adult life, I gave in.

We got a tree, I made a ton of gifts, and we are even going to visit friends tomorrow, I know, what has come over me! Maybe it's the fact that Cory and I made this time of year what we wanted, I got to celebrate the seasons change, and Cory got his beloved stocking on Christmas eve. It was really fun and a nice change of pace.....I hope our child can get down with our anti-consumerist-hippie ways. Don't get me wrong, our kid will get a stocking on Christmas, but they will also get something special every year on the solstice/Yule, something not many kids get. Not to mention the education about respecting mother earth and grandfather sky, the four legged and winged ones, our ancestors, and the creator. Learning about how each season gives us what we need, and how we need to be respectful and how to learn patience, grace and compassion. My child will not be playing with a stick and pile of dirt, unless they are really into that, but I see no need to buy my child every singe new toy and gadget on the market, it's just gross consumerism and I have never been about material shit. I hope my child will understand that, who knows with how things are these days, so much pressure to be "cool" and fit in. I get the want for toys to encourage creativity, imagination, and other various skills, I guess I just get grossed out when I see kids getting toys just for the sake of the popularity and not the child's want for it.

Anyhow, Cory and I have made our own traditions and I truly feel lucky and blessed to have him in my life. He really is my best friend.

I have been a photographer for years, studied in school, did it for a living for a while, and really just love feeling the weight of a camera in my hand. I have many camera's ranging from old 35 mm, to Polaroid land cameras, to Holga's and two digital, one small and one SLR. I think I have given this addiction to Cory and decided that since last year I bought him his first digital, I would continue the tradition and get him a bunch of camera toys since we were only doing stockings. I got him a sweet toy panoramic camera, some color filters, and a macro lens for his iPhone. And a case for his iPhone, a new robe, boxers and some candy. He however, OUT DID himself! Below is my loot!

Diana F+ Toy Camera


Gift Certificate to Sock Dreams, and yes I spent it RIGHT away online!


A HUGE bottle of my favorite bath oil made by one of my oldest and sweetest friends from my teen years, Beth, appropriately called "Hedonism". I have about 6 of her perfume oils and was running low on the bottle of bath oil Beth had sent last fall. I love this scent more than anything!


Fisheye Lens for the sweet ass Diana! He also got me an adapter for my Cannon SLR, so I can use this lens and get toy camera effects! It kind of works, but I want to try it with natural light instead of our bedroom.


And some other odds and ends, my beautiful ring, and a new sofa that can't get here soon enough! We have been sitting on our bed for the last week or so because we don't really have a couch downstairs right now. Good thing our bed is the most magical bed on earth!

Ok I have rambled enough for one post, time to cuddle up with the dude and watch some CSI Vegas, Season three.

Nighty Night!

PS:
We test again on January 3rd, Cory's b-day.....fingers crossed.

Luna Bella

The first TOTAL lunar eclipse in over 300 years, is happening tonight....know what else? I'm ovulating today.

Perhaps it is a sign.

xoxo

Raise Your Hands

Today was a rough one. It started out great, woke up snuggly to my boo, got up, ate pancakes, had a cup of coffee, pee'd on a stick, got dressed, went to the library to pick up "From The Hips", then the day went down hill from that point.

We went to Best Buy to get one of Cory's gifts from me, a case for his iPhone. We were cool, walking around among the madness, I even picked up for myself the new Sims 3 expansion pack. We checked out, walked to the car and then the wave of doom washed over me. I sat in the car almost on the verge of tears, begging Cory to just get me home. I pulled my knit cap over my face and slumped down in my seat so I could not see anything and held his hand so hard, I thought I might break it. We got home after what felt like hours but was more like 15 minutes. I ran in the house and sat on the couch and took deep breaths......over and over, trying to keep myself from dipping into a panic attack. I could not shake this feeling of impending doom, so I drew a bath and layed in the tub soaking and breathing.

I hoped that had worked, but sure as shit, I got out, got dressed and crawled into bed, yes it was only 6pm, and could not catch my breath still. Cory was being so sweet and calm and just letting me try to work through it all. I do have a past history of severe anxiety/panic, but have not had any major issues for years. So I drank some water and Cory brought me some mint tea and then he sat next to me, untangling the HUGE mess of knots in one of my mom's old necklaces that I found yesterday, (yes he really IS that amazing and sweet), and then he did it.....he put Purple Rain on the iTunes......I lost it, crying and singing along! What is up with me??

I had three nights of bad/weird dreams and then this. Maybe some suppressed holiday bull trying to take me down? Meh, I refuse to give in...I cried a tiny bit then began reading this website called " "Your Plus Size Pregnancy". This one statement again brought on the water works, but they were happy ones:
"Love your body. You may feel that your body is standing in the way of your goal. Don’t fall into a negative body image. You have a beautiful, curvy body. It is perfect for nurturing a baby. Appreciate the beauty of who you are." So with that, Cory had finished untangling my mom's necklace and I put it on.

Perhaps I just am feeling the stress of my parents not being here anymore and am feeling stuff I may have pushed deep down and had hoped would just go away. This process has definitely made me miss my parents and sister more than ever before, and honestly I hate that I still cry about the loss. I think the fact that I have Cory and we are making a family, something I never thought would happen for me, I know my parents would have loved to share with me......especially my mom....and perhaps that is the rub. I always wanted to make them proud, and always felt like I was just one let down after another.

I just need to press on, and continue moving forward, because forward is always better than backwards.....and who the hell needs to be sad about positive changes anyhow?

Wooot YULE!

Ok no more emo-me. My period came and went, we got a tree for Yule, hung stockings , went to an amazing show, made two kick ass dinners, bought a new comforter and organic cotton sheets, I am nearly finished making gifts, AND it's only Saturday!



We purchased an ovulation kit as well, and we, well I, start peeing on a stick Tuesday to "nail" my ovulation down to a 24-36 hour window. We are on month three of trying, and I am trying to just breathe through the month and go on with life without my heart aching. So here we go....




I love to cook food for my dude, my friends, and anyone who likes to eat. So Friday night I made a big pot of collard greens, steak, mashed yukon golds, and a loaf of blueberry bread. I was cooking for about two hours, but it was so worth it....



When I miss my mom, I try to cook things that she taught me and made for me as a kid. This time of year is especially rough for me when it comes to missing my mom, dad, and sister. I used to just block it out by being drunk from November to February, but let's face it, that isn't very sexy after a decade. I try to make my own family with friends and co-workers, but now that I am finally with a person that I know I will be with until my demise, making traditions with him eases the anxiety and pain I normally fight with. It's good this year, and with every year that pass's, I let go a little more. I will never stop missing my family, but I know that if they were alive, they would be truly happy for me, and would adore Cory.




This is Cory and I's second holiday season together, and we have never been closer....and never felt at ease with another human being. Even after all this time, we still grin from ear to ear when we think about where we were 2 years ago.....I was living with Sandra and had just split from R, and Cory was living in the guest room of his ex's house waiting to move into Randy's....I was heart broken and lost, he was confused with who he was and both struggling with never wanting to date anyone ever again. We took care of each other and supported each other as best friends do.......but I never thought that two years later he would be the love of my freaking life. Nor did I think I would ever feel this at ease with another human being......I know I gush about him a lot, but I am just so freaking grateful and blessed.

Love and Stuff

Sad pug....or wicked cute pug with bad bad hips?! My boyfriend used to have a pug mix with his ex, and after they split, they shared the little guy. But that was too stressful on the dog so the ex got him. I hope that one day, Cory and I will get another little dog because I know how much he loves the furry ones! I loved this photo so much, and for so many reasons, but mostly because it depicted how I felt the last few days. As usual though, my period ends and I feel rejuvenated and excited for the next month's pursuit of family making, holiday decorating, and gift giving. Maybe I am nuts.

On the new apartment tip, Cory and I settled on a sofa!!! A chocolate brown deep soft sofa that we can both lay on, and in a few months, we will purchase the foot stool that turns this bad mamma jamma into a chaise. We also decided on wall color, and shelves. I really am excited to be redoing our house. I know we both lean much more towards our childhood '70s style, and feel like we are finally moving away from the modern-not-so-comfy bullshit to future family friendly earth tones and warmth. We live in the Pacific NW, we need WARMTH. Not hard edges and cold steel. Don't get me wrong, I loves me some METAL and high end design, but for my everyday life, I like snugly, '70s, earth tones, and welcoming. I would hate friends to visit and not feel like they can be cozy.


We moved in together over a year ago, as friends. So our home now is where our love grew, now it is time to have a place that is ours, as a family, and I can not tell you how effing cute Cory is about the process. He was the one who started this whole, "let's redecorate" shenanigans. But far be it from me to keep him from a dream! We are moving to the townhouse next door to us, which is bigger, HUGE yard, (well huge by apartment/condo living standards), totally new carpet (gray!), new cabinets, counter tops, and wood floors! YES! Our landlord LOVES us, and we love her! She is like a second mom to me. She even offered, well demanded really, to buy us a crib for the nursery! WOW! She wants us to be happy, and is also installing a washer and dryer next to our unit. It will be for all three units, but hey, that means no more laundry mat!

I think my latest crafting endeavors have been not only, good for my wallet, but also good for my soul. I really am a crafter at heart, always have been, it runs in my family. I tend to start LARGE projects, and then get sidelined by life and put them away. My goal for the new year is to continue the embroidery obsession that has all but consumed me, finish crocheting my weird ass shawl, and TAKE ON, weaving. I also realized last night, that I have been neglecting my bead loom. I think that will be something else fun to do while at work. It has been hard to work on that with my cat around. So tempting for the little guy.





So tonight, Cory and I are going on a fancy date to the Doug Fir Lounge to see Peter Hook, former bassist for Joy Division. One of my all time favorite bands. He is performing the entire "Unknown Pleasures" album, and I am exploding with excitement. Before hand though, I am making us a fancy pants steak dinner. I decided to put down the red meat for baby making, and well honestly after last weeks house dinner of beef necks, (that I had to clean up after because it was my turn, ew), I really can't handle looking at the stuff anymore. I was vegetarian for 20+ years.....I just feel like, if I can't kill it, I shouldn't eat it. But then there is that whole pig meat thing.....damn. So torn.....

Have a good weekend, and be good to each other.

Nevermind

Aunt Flo just showed......back to the drawing board.

Spotting and late.

My period was "supposed" to show on the 4th but did not. Today is the 6th and I have been spotting very lightly for 2 days.

So very confused.

So the waiting game is on still. If nothing like a normal period happens this week, I'm going to test again.

Like I said, Aunt Flo, she's a real b......

Bitch ass, Aunt Flo

I was hoping this month we would be pregnant, then today I started spotting, took a pregnancy test, negative. I feel so sad. I do not know why I am letting myself get so wrapped up in this, it's only the second month trying. *sigh* I guess since my cycle was 26 days last month, and now this month I am on day 29, I was hoping I would miss it all together.....but I suspect tomorrow Aunt Flo will show her stupid face......maybe there is something to that whole "knowing" you are pregnant jazz.


I sat here crying, while Cory is in the kitchen making homemade ravioli for us...I feel selfish, and shitty, I admit it. Is this normal? To feel so alone and confused and un-trusting of my body? Why, for the last two months did I think I was pregnant, and feeling barfy, just to be deflated and wrong? I have never not been in tune with my body before....I feel like my head is now screwing up everything. Maybe I just need a hot bath and a hug.....maybe the fact we are listening to Ennio Morricone right now is not helping....

I need to keep reminding myself what my doc said...most couples don't conceive until the 6th month mark, and only 63% within the first year of trying. I just start having all those really self deprecating thoughts like, "I waited too long", "I took too many drugs when I was younger", "I'm too fat", or that whole stupid "Maybe I should not have had an abortion when I was 18".....ugh why do I do this to myself? Do I stop charting and just go with nature? Do I keep charting and stop stressing? I wish I could call my mom.

The good thing, my boo got me this amazing ring, it's not my engagement ring, although I had once told him that if he ever were to propose, this is the ring I would want. It is the most heavy metal and creeptastic bird talon holding a giant ass crystal in silver and black gold!!!!! He said last night after seeing the confusion on my face when he nervously and accidentally crammed it on the wrong finger, that HE wants to pick my engagement ring. He also said he totally blew being spontaneous and romantic, but I say getting me this ring as a sort of promise, was very sweet and romantic. His plan was to lovingly place this on my hand last night in bed, but just couldn't wait. Big nerd. I love the shit out of him.