Year one post pardum, nearly done.

Here we are, nearing the end of 2013, and I can proudly say, that we as a family, survived the first year of Kai's life. While we still have a month to go, I feel like we overcame SO MUCH as new parents, all over again. I struggled with PPD for many, many months, and my choice to go off my meds, was not a smart one. I went back to counseling and went back on meds. I need to, and it's ok. I'm a better mom, wife, friend, co-worker, etc. It's not forever, just for now.

Work is good, I'm in a new position and feel much more supported and more able to be involved in cultural activities. Working on many projects and supporting little ones in foster care. Something very close to my heart.

Chekota is entering the terrible three's, well not officially until April, but the kid is ahead of the game! She can count up 4, knows colors and is talking up a storm. She has some delays as far as language due to her birth complications, but she is making strides in that as well. I feel so blessed to be her mom. Her adoption will be final in two months...after nearly three years.


I have to deal with having my gallbladder removed soon, but it's going to be fine. Being pregnant caused a lot of health issues for me, not that I have any regrets, I would do it again for Kai, but now I need to focus on my physical health. It's very important to stay in balance, and this last year has been a true test of my ability to stay in balance. I know where my strength is and my weakness. I am so grateful for Cory, my friends and family, and my community. You are my heart.


Upward and onward I say. I hope that 2014 brings much health, joy, and love to everyone...I see bright things ahead for my little family, and that makes all the struggle worth it.

Oxytocin, it can fix anything.

Wow dudes, life. I wasn't sure how to write about my birth experience as it was much more intense than I expected. I tried REALLY hard to remain open minded, after all I had 9 months to prepare myself for this and 5 of those months I knew I was having a c-section. It's January 26 and I'm now 13 days postpartum and feel like it's ok to talk about now. I'm still very weepy and emotionally fragile, not very shocking coming from me. I guess I was not prepared for the flood of emotions because EVERYTHING I read stated that you only get the "Oxycontin Rush" from vaginal birth.
So let's start this story on Saturday January 12, 2013. Our very good friend Jess had come down from Olympia Washington to attend Kai's birth and be our main support person. Her wife, Krista, was supposed to be there as well, but had been really sick and wanted to wait until she was fever free to be around everyone. My oldest nephew had also flown in from Arizona to be here for the big day. Saturday we dropped Chekota off at our day care providers who have been a tremendous help and second family to us. She stayed with them the entire time I was in the hospital so Cory could be with Kai and myself, and it made a huge difference in my recovery and the bonding of our family.
Sunday morning everyone got up early and drove out to Beaverton to St. Vincent's hospital at 6:30 am. It had been snowing off and on and I felt very calm. When I was admitted and got settled into our first room, and was just trying to focus on being positive and not scared. Truth be told, I was terrified and was really just trying to convince myself everything really was going to be ok. See I am one of those people who tries to see the silver lining even when shit is falling down around them, and usually keeps positive until one too many things hit then I fall apart HARD. I was trying to avoid that. My pregnancy was extremely difficult, getting pregnant was difficult, my marriage was tested, my faith was tested, my patience and self love...all tested over the last 3 years. Then there I was, 36 weeks and 6 days later, laying in a bed with two iv's waiting to meet my son.
After meeting a slew of nurses, my anesthesiologist, getting my lady bits shaved in front of everyone, and being told the order in which everything would go down, my doctor finally came in. She told us that everything was set to go and that she made sure they had everything in the o.r for any emergency situation that may come up. She was very transparent about what might happen and I appreciated her honesty. I wanted to know everything so I could be emotionally ready. As well as Cory.
Speaking of Cory, he was AMAZING. He stayed very calm and supportive and attentive, even when he was putting his lovely o.r attire! We walked together down to the room holding hands getting more and more weepy with every step. We kissed each other and he waited in the hall way for them to get him after everything was set up. I really had wanted him to be in there for my spinal because I was terrified of that going bad. Even though the anesthesiologist was kind of a jerk in the beginning, he was very fast and before I knew it, I was laying down and unable to feel anything from mid chest, down. I remember not feeling my chest and feeling like I wasn't breathing. I said several times, "I can't breathe, are you sure I'm breathing?", he assured me all was normal and I was safe. He ended up being really helpful to Cory and I telling us what my doctor was doing since I was draped off.
They brought Cory into the room and had him sit at my left side. We basically locked eyes and stayed that way. It was pretty fast from that part, I could hear my doctor talking with the other doctor about school and other things, and it honestly helped me feel more calm. Time seemed to fly up until I heard them say, "You are going to feel some pressure, we are getting him out now...". Right then I began to feel like the wind was being knocked out of me, like I couldn't catch my breath. I looked at Cory and was trying to explain to him I knew Kai and I were being separated, as in we were no longer going to be connected in a special way. I couldn't handle it, I had become so used to being pregnant and feeling my son inside me that I started to mourn that loss at that moment. Then all of the sudden I could hear him...he was out! His cry was soft and I knew that meant he was having a hard time breathing. They carried him around so we could see him, and all I could make out beyond my tears was this tiny grey shaking baby. Cory and I cried and kissed and mashed our foreheads together. Despite knowing Kai was fighting an uphill battle as a preemie, I was so happy he was here with us.
They took Cory over to our son and then they all went into the NICU. After that, I don't recall much until I was being rolled into the NICU to see Kai. I was really scared to go into that room but I wanted to see him and touch him more than anything. They rolled my bed right up alongside his crib and I saw him laying there so fragile and tiny. He weighed 5 lbs and 14 ounces and was 19 inches long. He had lost some blood due to my placenta being nicked and also had some fluid in his lungs so they had him hooked up to a CPAP machine and some other various machines to monitor him. It looked bad in my mind, and when I realized I wasn't going to be able to hold him I lost it. I put my hand on his hand and told him I loved him and that I wasn't going to be far away.
Then they took me away, without my baby.
I was crying really hard but everyone told me it was ok and that he was strong and to not worry. But still my baby wasn't coming with us.
After a couple hours I was moved into my permanent room and family was allowed to come visit me. I asked Cory to go be with Kai so he was not alone. In that time alone I watched the snow falling outside and had a private talk with those who are no longer with me, mom, dad, and Lisa. I told them they would love Kai and that I wished they were there to hold him. It was a lonely moment, but I decided I would allow myself to feel that then move forward.

Later that night I was taken into the NICU to hold Kai and I was terrified. So many wires and machines and iv's...so much stuff on such a tiny boy. I frantically took off my night gown and placed him onto my breasts and held him tight. Again, I cried hard and ignored the fact my pain killers were warring off...I just wanted my baby. He was perfect and beautiful and smelled delicious. I have never been more content in my life.

We stayed at the hospital for a total of 5 days where I struggled with breast feeding, learning how to care for a preemie, trying to be gentle to my own body, and having nurses come check on me every two/four hours all on NO sleep. My allergies had gotten really bad while there and I couldn't have any medication because I was breast feeding, so breathing was challenging. I have to say, this was the worst hospital experience ever, as far as rest goes. But it's all ok now and we made it through.
We came home and have since, been trying to settle into some sort of routine. Having Chekota back home was a rough transition as her whole world was flipped upside down for 5 days and she began regressing. Screaming at bedtime and not listening to us. She is much better now, and I hope that she will continue to move towards loving her new baby brother.

In other news, Cory and Chekota were in a car accident the week we came home and our van was totaled. We have full coverage as far as insurance goes, but this is just another thing thrown at us at an already very stressful and fragile time. But we just get back up and fight back, that is how we roll in this family. I think these challenges are just making us stronger and closer. I have never felt more close or in love with Cory than I do right now...
While I did not have the birth I wanted, was unable to breast feed after 3 1/2 weeks, have more medical debt than I can swallow and have been on bed rest for 3 months, I have to say becoming a mom to Kai has changed me for the better and is the greatest blessing I have ever received.
The whole in my heart is now full and I feel like a complete person. I am so very thankful for these gifts and will hold onto them all as tight as I can.

Year End Wrap Up...oh and it's a WHOPPER!

Hi it's me...worst-blogger-ever. Sorry.
I know I use that same old tired excuse of "ooohh life is so busy, blah blah blah", but no really...this year has kicked my butt. Both bad and amazingly good.
Let's start with the bad, slide into the good and finish with a photo montage. Who doesn't LOVE a montage?!?!

BAD: Soooo pregnancy for me, has been extremely difficult. And by difficult I mean, really fucking hard and emotionally draining. I found out in my second trimester that I have placenta previa. What is placenta previa? Great question:

Noun 1. placenta previa - pregnancy in which the placenta is implanted in the lower part of the uterus (instead of the upper part); can cause bleeding late in pregnancy; delivery by cesarean section may be necessary.

Basically I have a lot of scar tissue in my uterus so when it came time for my placenta to attached it's self to my uterus wall, it attached too low. It is completely covering my cervix, making vaginal birth impossible. Impossible like, the baby and myself can die. So this means I can't go into labor, have to have a c-section 3 weeks before my due date and for a few weeks I had to be put on "light bed rest" to avoid any bleeding, because when you have a previa, bleeding is very bad, mmkoi? All it entailed in the beginning, was cut work hours down from 40 to 30, no lifting of anything over 15 pounds, no exercise and no sex. Ok this sucks, but I can live with that if it means my baby and myself are healthy.
Flash forward a few weeks...I'm at work, under some stress because I was put onto insulin for Gestational Diabetes and just general stress and I begin to spot again. In a panic I call my ob and she tells me that is it, FULL BED REST until baby comes.
Ummmm are you for real!?!?
Oh yes, she was for real.

As of today, I have been on bed rest nearly 10 weeks. Yes friends, 9.5 long weeks. In those 9.5 weeks, I have managed to watch every interesting documentary on Netflix, make 20 pair of beaded earrings, re-watch all my seasons of CSI Vegas, watch all of the slightly and even not so interesting television shows on Netflix and Hulu, fold and re-fold all the babies clothes, aaaaannnnd found the time to develop pregnancy induced Asthma. Yes, I hit the jackpot friends.

I have had to go to labor and delivery twice for some scares, but thankfully everything went well and everything is still planned for a Jan 13 birth.
Despite all these really crappy things, our son, (yes it is a boy), is perfectly healthy, growing at a normal rate, has no issues, and will be here in 16 more days. Yes I am ecstatic. I have tried so very hard to stay positive with this pregnancy, and had a few moments of breaking down feeling like I couldn't get through all this and being upset that I wasn't having the pregnancy I had hoped for nor would I have the birth Cory and I had dreamed of for over two years.
Then reality slapped me, hard. I am PREGNANT...hellooooo dummy, WE DID IT...after trying for over two years and 5 rounds of Clomid! Cory and I created a life. So what it has been hard on my body, so what Cory and I are barely making ends meet on one salary while I'm off work for nearly 4 months. I will be ok once baby comes, my body will go back to normal and my son is healthy...we really did it. This is for sure my first, and last, pregnancy and I am truly blessed and grateful. Period.


As far as "BAD" goes, that is it really. I mean there have been a lot of horrific things happening in the world, but I can't let myself go down that rabbit hole right now. I have to focus on Kai, and Cory and Chekota. My family. Now that I have a family, it's what I care about first and foremost. I get it now. All those years trying to understand how parents sacrifice so much for their family, how Cory and I are making plans and decisions for our kids. Totes a game changer.
Now for the GOOOOOD!
Chekota is ours! Her bio parents gave up parental rights to her two months ago as they realized they can not care for her and felt it was not in Chekota's best interest to take her from the only home and family she has known. They had a second child in the process of all this. Her adoption is almost final and we decided to have an open adoption so when Chekota is old enough and want's to know who her bio parents are, she will have that option. It was a long and hard year for everyone. I opened up to her bio mom and managed to build a good relationship with her. She knows Chekota is safe and loved and that we will never say mean things about her to Chekota. It is not our place and Chekota needs to figure out how she feels about where she came from on her own. All she knows now is that she is loved and safe. Fostering kids is such a wonderful gift and true challenge of what you are capable of giving with no guarantees. We truly were blessed when that little girl entered our life. So yeah, two kids in one year. Wheeeew.

We moved yet again this year, out to Gresham. I know, Gresham, but really it isn't bad. It's just like the Valley, seriously. Our apartment is nice and has a washer and dryer in the unit. Our neighbors.....eah I wouldn't be sad if they moved out..but no need to get ugly in the "Good" section of this wrap up!

We keep talking about moving to LA, moving to Vermont, moving to St. Johns.....we just need to get through Kai's birth, settle back into our "normal" life, and go from there. So maybe in another year or so, we will have a better grasp on what in the hell we are doing.

Work is still amazing and hard and wonderful and I miss being there with my NAYA family so much. Only another month then I will be back in the fold, and I can't wait.
There is so much more, but I will keep that private...just a lot of friend love going around and family love and I just am truly grateful for all of you.
Now onto the photos!

Change

So yeah, I suck as a blogger, sorry. I am not even aware if anyone even reads this, and honestly my life has been so hectic, blogging has been the last thing on my list. But today I dedicate some time to you dear reader(s).

So last entry was, oh what in February? Umm, so Chekota turned one, we are still having court battles to keep her, Cory and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary, oh and I'm pregnant.

Yes, we did it, FINALLY! Fucking miracle. My OB told me at my first ultrasound appointment, "Honey after your surgery, I really wasn't sure if you were going to be able to conceive". But we fucking did it! I knew as soon as I was really done trying, something would happen, I was just praying it wouldn't be "Octomom-PDX". What we know thus far is baby Dow is due Feb 4th 2013, strong heartbeat, and I'm doing good. I have had all day sickness really, feels a lot like being motion sick, ALL DAY. I've also been tired beyond belief.

It's strange, I always imagined pregnancy one way, but it's not at all how I dreamed it. Maybe because I never thought it would happen for me....but here I sit, bloated, pregnant belly popped, nauseous, and rosy cheeked.

I promise to update more about the baby as the pregnancy moves forward.
Other than that, nothing else seems noteworthy. I'm just in that usual space of work, family life, loathing of Portland weather and the majority of it's resident-hipster-poseur-I'm-so-cool-but-really-I'm-just-copying-what-every one-that-was-rad-in-the-'80s-did-even though-the-'80s-sucked-scene. Well I had fun in the '80s, but then again I was a teenager going into my twenties then, so of course it was fun. Yes I said it. I'm SO OVER you and your revival of whacky. It's not whacky, and you are only "cool" in your bubble. Maybe you need that bubble to feel validated, and hopefully you will find a space where you don't NEED validation or a bubble to feel good about who you are. You are cool and rad all by yourself. I guess I will never understand the carbon copy-ness of younger generations. My friends and I never looked alike, so it is strange to me. Ahhh well, I'm 40, what do I know.

Maybe this is what happens when your no longer interested in youth culture and you really just like what you have liked for the last two decades. Eah I'm just a bitch sometimes, but that is ok, at least I'm honest.

Wee photo update:

2112

Today's date marks many things:

1. The title to one of my all time favorite Rush albums.
2. The 23rd anniversary of my sisters death.
3. The 2nd month Chekota has been in our home.

The last couple weeks have been very hard. I went to an update hearing to discuss what is happening to Chekota and heard the birth family on the phone and it was heart breaking. Of course I know my position in all of this, but the longer she is with us, the more connected I feel to her and she to us.

We have three more months until we go to court again to see if any family has stepped forward to take Chekota. If nothing pans out, she stays with us, and once she has been in foster care for a year, (This August), we can petition to adopt.

It has been the most painful time of my life....and today I had a post-op follow up with my OBGYN and she didn't have very thrilling news. If I am not pregnant now, I will begin Clomid for three-six cycles. If nothing happens still, I will probably need a full hysto. I will cross that bridge later because I can't wrap my mind around loosing that part of who I am, or the fact that if I don't, my chances for Ovarian Cancer go up immensely.

I have been pretty emotionally fragile laitly, and knowing several pregnant women at the moment, has been the most difficult thing ever. I want to be happy for them and not jealous, share in the joy for them.......but I just can't and feel like the worst friend ever. How fucking selfish of me.....but it's real. I sometimes wonder if I did something in my life that is causing this to happen.

I just need to remember to breathe and ask creator to help me though this pain, and try to hold onto these memories we are making with Chekota.

Year in Review, Kinda....

I suppose it is the thing to do when you "blog", you know, write a wrap up of the outgoing year. I realize that this year I pretty much FAILED at blogging, but it's ok, I had a ton of stuff going on, and I am not a very good inter-nerder these days. But I will recap on the last few months and give a gentle nod to my hopes for 2012...

As 2011 was the year of "TTC" (Trying to Conceive), I spent the majority of the year tracking cycles, learning all about infertility and endometriosis. I knew I had endo, but thought after my first cyst removal, I had been cured. Turns out I'm not....We found out in October I think, that it had come back and I had another pretty large mass on my right ovary. I had surgery again on December 22 and found out that not only did I have another endometrioma, but there is scar tissue on my bladder and bowel. My surgeon was unable to remove the cyst, and only drained it. So we are not sure what this will do. Cory and I are going to continue TTC-ing for a few more months, then I might have to have a full hysterectomy.

I have been trying very hard to come to terms with what is happening to my body, but honestly am unsure how to be "ok" with it. I feel cheated and angry, but I know at some point I will be ok. I do have the best partner ON EARTH, and that is what matters. If being a mom is not a part of my path, I will have to be ok with that....I'm not sure how, but I'm a pretty tough lady when I need to be.

That said, last month Cory and I DID become Foster Parents to a beautiful little girl named Chekota. She and I are both from the same tribe, (Well we are both multi-tribal but we have one common tribal affiliation), and she oddly looks like she could be my child. She is 8 months old and the most fun I have ever known. She is permanently placed with us until mom get's her life together, or the state decides otherwise. The baby has been in Foster Care since July of 2011 due to neglect and abuse, and was VERY VERY ill when she arrived in Oregon. After being in medical FC (Foster Care) for several months, she was placed with us because I'm Native. Sadly, Cory and I are the ONLY available Native family in Portland. I know, how is that possible....without getting into specifics, birth family is very unstable, and has since gone back to Oklahoma to try and "figure things out". I am all for family reunification, I usually am working on the other end of situations like this in my professional life, but in this case, I honestly feel like she is better off with us.

I have to go to court this month to meet the family judge and testify on how Chekota is doing. We are going to petition to adopt her if/when the time comes, but there is still a good chance mom will get sober and figure out what it means to be a mom, or other family will pop up.....a lot could happen in the next 6 months.

This has been a very emotionally draining process, and if we loose Chekota, I am not sure if I can handle it again. I don't think Cory could either. We have fallen head over heels in love with this magical little girl and will be crushed if we loose her.

We also have a whole new understanding on how hard being a parent is, and also how fucking amazing it is. *sigh*

We have had several colds, watched her get 8 teeth, dealt with many diaper blow outs, giggles, drooling on everything, sleepless nights and the heart breaking sounds of an over tired baby. I wouldn't trade this time for anything, no matter how much this has tested my heart, mind, marriage, and ability to multi-task. I also have been teaching her Tsalagi so she knows our language.

So yeah, my lack of blogging is because I've been busy being a mommy and having surgery.

My hopes for 2012 are simple and few.......

1. Conceive, carry, deliver and raise one healthy child.
2. Give back to my husband, 10-fold, what he has given me in the last 3 months.
3. Keep Chekota forever.

4. Get healthy again.

I could go on, but that is my Top 4.......I also am hellbent on blogging more this year....feels like so much is happening and I should be documenting it all. We have been taking photos like crazy, go figure with both of us being photographers, but here is a wee "Best Of December" for you dear readers. Yes, she truly is this cute...

Chekota, Auntie Dana and Uncle Ryan


Chekota and Auntie Caitlin


Chekota and Auntie Taija


Watching a movie with Mommy


Baby and Daddy


Mommy and Chekota after mommy's surgery


Playing in the laundry hamper


Cory's favorite photo at the moment


Chekota listening to Daddy


Again, listening to Daddy


Chekota and her kitty Stella


Her first night home with us


Kicking it with Mommy day after surgery


First car ride home with us


Daddy and daughter