So let's start this story on Saturday January 12, 2013. Our very good friend Jess had come down from Olympia Washington to attend Kai's birth and be our main support person. Her wife, Krista, was supposed to be there as well, but had been really sick and wanted to wait until she was fever free to be around everyone. My oldest nephew had also flown in from Arizona to be here for the big day. Saturday we dropped Chekota off at our day care providers who have been a tremendous help and second family to us. She stayed with them the entire time I was in the hospital so Cory could be with Kai and myself, and it made a huge difference in my recovery and the bonding of our family.
Sunday morning everyone got up early and drove out to Beaverton to St. Vincent's hospital at 6:30 am. It had been snowing off and on and I felt very calm. When I was admitted and got settled into our first room, and was just trying to focus on being positive and not scared. Truth be told, I was terrified and was really just trying to convince myself everything really was going to be ok. See I am one of those people who tries to see the silver lining even when shit is falling down around them, and usually keeps positive until one too many things hit then I fall apart HARD. I was trying to avoid that. My pregnancy was extremely difficult, getting pregnant was difficult, my marriage was tested, my faith was tested, my patience and self love...all tested over the last 3 years. Then there I was, 36 weeks and 6 days later, laying in a bed with two iv's waiting to meet my son.
After meeting a slew of nurses, my anesthesiologist, getting my lady bits shaved in front of everyone, and being told the order in which everything would go down, my doctor finally came in. She told us that everything was set to go and that she made sure they had everything in the o.r for any emergency situation that may come up. She was very transparent about what might happen and I appreciated her honesty. I wanted to know everything so I could be emotionally ready. As well as Cory.
Speaking of Cory, he was AMAZING. He stayed very calm and supportive and attentive, even when he was putting his lovely o.r attire! We walked together down to the room holding hands getting more and more weepy with every step. We kissed each other and he waited in the hall way for them to get him after everything was set up. I really had wanted him to be in there for my spinal because I was terrified of that going bad. Even though the anesthesiologist was kind of a jerk in the beginning, he was very fast and before I knew it, I was laying down and unable to feel anything from mid chest, down. I remember not feeling my chest and feeling like I wasn't breathing. I said several times, "I can't breathe, are you sure I'm breathing?", he assured me all was normal and I was safe. He ended up being really helpful to Cory and I telling us what my doctor was doing since I was draped off.
They brought Cory into the room and had him sit at my left side. We basically locked eyes and stayed that way. It was pretty fast from that part, I could hear my doctor talking with the other doctor about school and other things, and it honestly helped me feel more calm. Time seemed to fly up until I heard them say, "You are going to feel some pressure, we are getting him out now...". Right then I began to feel like the wind was being knocked out of me, like I couldn't catch my breath. I looked at Cory and was trying to explain to him I knew Kai and I were being separated, as in we were no longer going to be connected in a special way. I couldn't handle it, I had become so used to being pregnant and feeling my son inside me that I started to mourn that loss at that moment. Then all of the sudden I could hear him...he was out! His cry was soft and I knew that meant he was having a hard time breathing. They carried him around so we could see him, and all I could make out beyond my tears was this tiny grey shaking baby. Cory and I cried and kissed and mashed our foreheads together. Despite knowing Kai was fighting an uphill battle as a preemie, I was so happy he was here with us.
They took Cory over to our son and then they all went into the NICU. After that, I don't recall much until I was being rolled into the NICU to see Kai. I was really scared to go into that room but I wanted to see him and touch him more than anything. They rolled my bed right up alongside his crib and I saw him laying there so fragile and tiny. He weighed 5 lbs and 14 ounces and was 19 inches long. He had lost some blood due to my placenta being nicked and also had some fluid in his lungs so they had him hooked up to a CPAP machine and some other various machines to monitor him. It looked bad in my mind, and when I realized I wasn't going to be able to hold him I lost it. I put my hand on his hand and told him I loved him and that I wasn't going to be far away.
Then they took me away, without my baby.
I was crying really hard but everyone told me it was ok and that he was strong and to not worry. But still my baby wasn't coming with us.
After a couple hours I was moved into my permanent room and family was allowed to come visit me. I asked Cory to go be with Kai so he was not alone. In that time alone I watched the snow falling outside and had a private talk with those who are no longer with me, mom, dad, and Lisa. I told them they would love Kai and that I wished they were there to hold him. It was a lonely moment, but I decided I would allow myself to feel that then move forward.
Later that night I was taken into the NICU to hold Kai and I was terrified. So many wires and machines and iv's...so much stuff on such a tiny boy. I frantically took off my night gown and placed him onto my breasts and held him tight. Again, I cried hard and ignored the fact my pain killers were warring off...I just wanted my baby. He was perfect and beautiful and smelled delicious. I have never been more content in my life.
We stayed at the hospital for a total of 5 days where I struggled with breast feeding, learning how to care for a preemie, trying to be gentle to my own body, and having nurses come check on me every two/four hours all on NO sleep. My allergies had gotten really bad while there and I couldn't have any medication because I was breast feeding, so breathing was challenging. I have to say, this was the worst hospital experience ever, as far as rest goes. But it's all ok now and we made it through.
We came home and have since, been trying to settle into some sort of routine. Having Chekota back home was a rough transition as her whole world was flipped upside down for 5 days and she began regressing. Screaming at bedtime and not listening to us. She is much better now, and I hope that she will continue to move towards loving her new baby brother.
In other news, Cory and Chekota were in a car accident the week we came home and our van was totaled. We have full coverage as far as insurance goes, but this is just another thing thrown at us at an already very stressful and fragile time. But we just get back up and fight back, that is how we roll in this family. I think these challenges are just making us stronger and closer. I have never felt more close or in love with Cory than I do right now...
While I did not have the birth I wanted, was unable to breast feed after 3 1/2 weeks, have more medical debt than I can swallow and have been on bed rest for 3 months, I have to say becoming a mom to Kai has changed me for the better and is the greatest blessing I have ever received.
The whole in my heart is now full and I feel like a complete person. I am so very thankful for these gifts and will hold onto them all as tight as I can.
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