I found the place where I am supposed to be, and it feels good. Really good....but it is also a bit scary. Being a native woman who was not raised in a traditional way, and was sometimes asked to not to ask too many questions in regards to our history because it was too painful for my mother made for a very uneducated lady, same with my father who was Chippewa. I am learning that historical pain is a real thing and not just something my mother, father, and sister experienced. I can't imagine the way my mother felt growing up thinking she had killed her mother, feeling un-wanted and un-loved by her father, my sister feeling different than the kids she grew up with because of the shape of her eyes and color of her skin. I grew up in a different time and in a mostly Mexican community. So having brown skin, almond shaped eyes and dark hair were far more the "norm" for me. I do however, understand the empty feeling she had when it came to tradition, family, community, culture, and pride. We come from strong people, that barely survived war and then later, assimilation. On my mothers side,I come from Euchee and Cherokee people. A contradiction....the Cherokees pretty much beat the hell out of the Euchee, and then what was left of them, joined other tribes like the Absentee Shawnee, Muscogee Creek Nation, and Cherokee Nation.
What I know of my culture, I learned from reading books and a little from my mom, not from my elders like most native people do. I have no elders. They all died waaaaaaay before I was born. So now, at the ripe age of 39, I find myself more comfortable asking questions about my people and our ways. What proper etiquette is, and navigating those waters is not easy. Some tribes don't make eye contact, some don't shake hands, while others do. I will make mistakes, and offend others while not intending too, it's all a learning process. Albeit late, at least it is happening. I feel grateful for the chance to finally be connected, and close to my mother and father, and also to be filling that empty space. I'm already slated to chaperone prom at the academy, help sew the honoring chords for the graduates, assist with summer camps, and whatever else I am asked. It feels good to be giving back to my community, I feel like I've come home.
