What happened to my posting daily, weekly, or even monthly? Oh you know, life got in the way. I got walking pneumonia, my cat almost died, my partner's lung is a fuck fest, then I found myself on the verge of unemployment, (although I am almost positive that I have another job lined up) due to the lovely feds deciding my program didn't need to be refunded. I feel an uneasy sense of stress in general, but I have been doing a kick ass job at avoiding it's hold.....for the most part...I did stay up for 24 hours the other day, unwillingly.
That event of restlessness thrust me back to the days of drug addiction and when staying up all night was actually fun. Now it's just me pacing the cold hardwood floors of my living room so my partner can sleep, flipping channels between old episodes of Iron Chef Japan, CSI Vegas, and some crazy shit called "Hoarders" on A&E. This does not help when you tend to be a person that likes to clean and re-arrange when feeling uneasy. Luckily I rearranged the entire first floor of my home this weekend, so I had to force myself to sit still, and hope that sleep would find me.
It didn't.
I went to work feeling like I had been up on acid and mentioned it to my co-worker and he offered to be the driver for the day...I truly owe him one, he's a good guy.
So with all that going on, I have neglected this thing, and did not plan in time for Mabon, which is tonight. I guess I could do a ritual tomorrow night, and might very well do so. I get home late from work on Wednesdays, so I will still be in up mode and maybe my partner will join me.
He was raised catholic, and when we met 3 years ago at my last job, we played 20 questions via email. I enjoy playing 20 questions with new friends, it's a great way to get to know weird facts about people without being a creep. Although I think he thought I was pretty weird from the get-go. Anyways, during our early time as co-workers and friends, I learned he was raised Catholic but was non-practicing, and he learned that I studied religion in college. I found that earth based faiths made the most sense to me. Being Native American it seemed natural for me to have an interest in some pagan ceremony and traditions since they also follow a strict guideline of respect for others and the earth. Now all of this might induce having visions of Ren Fair fails, sad looking gothy teens, and bored Valley housewives hanging out at "Raven's Flight" in North Hollywood. All milling around the aisles looking for dates and "love spells", dressed like some Stevie Nicks reject.
I find that because of the aforementioned issues around being a "witch" or Pagan in general, many have stayed in the proverbial broom closet. My religion and faith has been a closely guarded secret, only told to those I feel are "in the know" (aka others like myself), people I date longer than 6 months, and friends I know that would never care or ask really obnoxious questions. The ceremonies I have been a part of are not something I share to just whomever. They are sacred and I intend to honor my ancestors always. I never wanted to be judged or questioned as I feel that faith is a personal connection to whatever it is you believe or do not believe. I guess what I am saying is that I do believe in religious freedom, and with that comes being open to criticism and being told you are wrong. To that I say, what-ever.
Needless to say, without practice, I feel out of sorts and struggle with keeping my emotions in check. My father was diagnosed with congenital heart failure in the summer of 2008, and we spent the next year talking candidly about faith. He knew that I had a strong hold on our Native traditions, and strongly urged me to get back into practice.
After he passed away last October, I decided to dig out my books, and box of oils and herbs and jump back in. But again, I found that life got in the way, well, I let it. I went through an ugly divorce then was hit with a slew of back problems.....in retrospect, that was the BEST time to start practicing again, but whatever. :)
So I told my partner that I needed to get back to my traditions and in-touch with my spirituality. Hence the vegetable garden, the multiple camping trips, etc. He has been a good sport and totally interested in seeing what my traditions are all about. Tonight we are supposed to do a simple Italian, (he is Sicilian and First Nations Blackfeet), Mabon ritual, celebrate the final harvest, bury some nails around our yard to place a barrier of harmony and stability, bowl of dirt at the front door, you know the usual.
So if anyone is really reading this, I challenge you to get back in touch with your roots, what grounds you and makes you feel safe, happy, and normal. Go back to the free things in life that feel good, or the not so spendy things. We are living in what seems like an overly stressful time, where we work more than we rest, where we are more concerned with what iphone-pad-mac is new and has the best apps. What I am saying is simply this, get out of your ass and get real. The world will feel a lot less hectic when everyone around you is calm, centered, and happy.
I will step dowm from my soap-box now and go bury some nails.
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