Hello, is this thing on?

I forgot to post some new photos....Cory and I re-married in Astoria, long story that is irrelevant....anyways we had a great time with some of our closest friends, Jess and Krista. I have a Love/Hate relationship with the Pacific NW, and am trying to lean more on the Love side of things...this trip totally helped.

November Rain

I sat here thinking of what to touch on in this update, as they seem to be barley once a month these days. Work is busy as ever, I'm spending way more time at Powwows and other Native community events with my husband and friends, beading always, trying to make a baby, trying to figure out our next vacation to LA, etc.... We found out we are going to be fostering a 6 month old little girl next week, possibly to adopt, and I'm keeping my cool....not setting myself up for heartache. I sat here being reflective about how much has changed in the last 4 years. How much I have changed. And there it was, my desire to write an open letter to a person that will never read it, but needs to be written. A person I once trusted with my life, but now can't even fathom being friends with, and how strange that is. This is the last page of an ugly book that needs to be turned and then burned...

Dear you,

I remember when I used to get a thrill from seeing your name pop up on my cell phone, or feeling your hand brush up against mine. There was a time when I couldn't imagine a life without you in it, when the thought of not having you in my world pained me, literally. Then one day I woke up and looked at you and realized that you and I were never really friends....that everything about me annoyed you because you told me so. How I was "a baby", and "too sensitive". How your mother and best friend were always more important than me, and how I could never compete with that, not that I wanted too, I just wanted to be in the same category instead of bottom tier. You know it IS possible to love many people at one time... That no matter how hard I tried, I would never measure up in "their" eyes. I woke up being tired.....sick and tired of fighting every 5 minutes, sick and tired of feeling inadequate, and never doing "enough". Realizing that you didn't really love me. Maybe you did, for a second. You never fought for us when things started to go bad. Maybe because you grew up always seeing failing relationships. I remember you crying when I said I was moving, it was the first time in YEARS, that I saw an emotion from you. It was so sad....mostly because it was too late.

A month or so later, after not wanting to talk with me for an undisclosed amount of time, for a reason that felt more like a control issue for you rather than wanting time to think, you made me make a list of things "I HAD to change" in order for YOU to take ME back.....and like a sucker, I did it. Like some child......wait, didn't I move out by my own choice? Didn't I tell you that I was tired of fighting....but here YOU are telling me once again, how to act and what to do? Ignoring the things that you probably should be working on yourself, like being respectful to the ones you love. Then the kicker, I give you the list and you critiqued it......at that moment I knew there was no way this power struggle would end. That you would ever respect me, that you would forever make me out to be the bad guy, never ONCE taking responsibility for your part in our failure. But like a well trained puppy, or perhaps because I was afraid of being alone, not being in a safe familiar space, I held on a wee bit more.

Then spring came and I found out my dad was dying, and my knee jerk reaction was to call you first....and for a moment you were human, and caring....then the next day when we spoke, you told me your mother told you that it was "no longer your JOB" to care about me and my life. I sat there, like taking the final blow to my already beat the fuck down esteem....and just exhaled. I didn't know it was the last time I would hear your voice on the phone.

So I moved on, you told me our divorce would be amicable, we could be friends, we agreed it was totally over.....then you text me....you needed all my info because YOU were filing for divorce and you refused to talk to me. Your anger was like a red hot poker sticking me in my eyes and throat over and over again. Those wounds that were starting to scab.....ripped back open.

I sold our car, and gave you half of what I got for it, since you paid for half the car 5 years prior. You met me so I could give you the cash, and you seemed surprised that I would even share that money.. Why? Was I ever really mean to you? I can't recall. I know I yelled out of frustration because I never felt like you heard me, or cared about me. I know I yelled because I never felt like you loved me 1/4 as much as I loved you. I guess I had to endure all this to get to where I am now.

I spent that later time alone. To figure out what I wanted, needed, deserved, and what I refused to tolerate in a lover. I learned how to respect myself, and to honor myself. To NOT feel bad for my sensitivity, and to know when sarcasm shifts to hurtful words.

I let myself fall in love once again...this time with someone I was friends with first. Someone I know enjoys my company. Someone who finds the validity in putting their partner first when needed.....note I said, "When Needed". He puts himself first, and prefers to talk with me when we disagree vs. be rude and snide and hurtful. He has been patient and helped me undo a lot of crap you helped create.

I have to thank you though, you helped me hit a bottom that needed to be hit. So I could look in a mirror and say "What the fucking fuck". I picked myself up, worked on changing things about myself that I, not you, that I wanted to change. And it was all for the best.

I have never been as happy as I have been for the last 3 years. While that last year for us was hell, it was worth it to get to where I am today. I write this with good intentions, to send all that pain up into the sky.

I'm a better person today for this, a better wife, and soon, mother. I don't need to be friends with you, and honestly don't think I would want to be anymore. I do however hope that you find happiness, or that you may already have.

Good Good Things

Wow another month of my life slipping away and no documentation! I suppose being busy is the reason, and trying to stay unplugged and more present. So in the last month Cory and I have gotten a surgery date set, December 22nd, and we also have had our first home visit with our DHS case worker. It's been a crazy ride, but we will probably have a baby in 5 months! We are fostering for now, but our case worker knows we would be willing to adopt as well, so we have a bunch of hoops to get through in the next few weeks. But we are absolutely fine with it all!

After I have surgery, I should be fertile once again, and that is something else we are talking to our case worker about. We are determined to have a child this year, and have all windows and doors open. I feel so excited and anxious, I can hardly sleep these days!

Work has been insanely busy, and I have begun gathering items for my regalia. I will have my coming out next summer so I have a lot of planning to do between now and August. Wheeewwww!

I'm super happy and grateful every day and can't even explain how wonderful it feels to have the life you dreamed of for so so so very long.

Can't Breathe

The inevitable happened...I got the news today that I have another endometrioma, and a possible fibroid. What does this mean? Well it could mean hysterectomy, it could mean another painful laparoscopic surgery, it could mean worse, a tumor.

My OBGYN is out of town until next week, so I have to sit here and wait, and wonder why this is happening to me and Cory. Why is it that the one thing I have wanted my entire life, is possibly no longer an option? I sat at my desk trying to choke back the tears while reading my Ultrasound report....my co-workers knew something was up....tears fell from my eyes faster than I could catch them. I said, "I feel like I am being punished"....I said it out loud.....because I do. I try to not think that the choices I made in the past were wrong. I made them for a reason...I was not ready. But now I am, and now I can't.....

I try to think that there is a reason for things unfolding the way they are, but today I just want to curl up and cry for a baby I will never have.

Holy Shit...it's been 3 months?????

I am a bad, BAD blogger....I can not believe I let 3 months go by with out a peep! I think I will do a readers digest summary, then let the photos speak for themselves. I promise to stay more on top of this....no really.



I began a new job, my dream job really, at The Native American Youth & Family Center here in Portland. I was hired as a Gang Prevention Advocate where I was pretty much being a positive role model for kids on the verge of becoming gang entrenched, then I was moved over to being a Case Manager with homeless kids because well, it's what I do best....work with homeless kids. Right now it is a challenge because I am having to be at other agencies to help them out, even though when our advocates needed help, none of them came to NAYA, but I digress. I know this is temporary, and at least I get to be involved in my community more. And come September, I can be back in my regular office. That makes it all worth it.

This summer Cory and I were married, went to LA on our honeymoon, bought a NEW CAR because the Lezbaru died, (yes this is huge because I have never had a new car, ever), started doing yoga again, revamped my diet, we were invited to attend sundance next year, I was asked to help build a sweat lodge, I turned 40-fucking-years-old, I started beading again like crazy, have been blessed over and over again, and even though I am still not pregnant, I'm still optimistic.

My bff from LA is coming up in December with her boyfriend and I am beyond excited. Cory and I are making plans for Jennifer and Ivan's visit and saving money like crazy so we can show them a really nice time here. Maybe after she visits, she will fall in LOVE with the NW and move here, ha!

I feel like so much more has happened, but I think I will just let the photos show you of life around here these days!

xoxo

Oh hai, I'm 40 now!






Oh hai, we got married!






Then we honey mooned in California, our car died, then we bought a new one!














Random images of our home, 4th of July with Caitlin & Andrea, and bead work....

New Job, TTC, Planning Wedding and Honeymoon......anything else?

I feel like time just keeps slipping away....20 days since my last post, and here I am wondering once again if I am preggers or if that bitch Auntie Flo is coming. This time though, I am also waiting for my wedding dress to be shipped, our wedding rings to arrive, FIND SHOES to ware on my wedding day, plan our route to LA and the things we will do this year, aside from Disneyland, figure out my new job and learn as much as possible about the tribes of the NW.

I found the place where I am supposed to be, and it feels good. Really good....but it is also a bit scary. Being a native woman who was not raised in a traditional way, and was sometimes asked to not to ask too many questions in regards to our history because it was too painful for my mother made for a very uneducated lady, same with my father who was Chippewa. I am learning that historical pain is a real thing and not just something my mother, father, and sister experienced. I can't imagine the way my mother felt growing up thinking she had killed her mother, feeling un-wanted and un-loved by her father, my sister feeling different than the kids she grew up with because of the shape of her eyes and color of her skin. I grew up in a different time and in a mostly Mexican community. So having brown skin, almond shaped eyes and dark hair were far more the "norm" for me. I do however, understand the empty feeling she had when it came to tradition, family, community, culture, and pride. We come from strong people, that barely survived war and then later, assimilation. On my mothers side,I come from Euchee and Cherokee people. A contradiction....the Cherokees pretty much beat the hell out of the Euchee, and then what was left of them, joined other tribes like the Absentee Shawnee, Muscogee Creek Nation, and Cherokee Nation.



What I know of my culture, I learned from reading books and a little from my mom, not from my elders like most native people do. I have no elders. They all died waaaaaaay before I was born. So now, at the ripe age of 39, I find myself more comfortable asking questions about my people and our ways. What proper etiquette is, and navigating those waters is not easy. Some tribes don't make eye contact, some don't shake hands, while others do. I will make mistakes, and offend others while not intending too, it's all a learning process. Albeit late, at least it is happening. I feel grateful for the chance to finally be connected, and close to my mother and father, and also to be filling that empty space. I'm already slated to chaperone prom at the academy, help sew the honoring chords for the graduates, assist with summer camps, and whatever else I am asked. It feels good to be giving back to my community, I feel like I've come home.